My Old Ghost

Last Friday I went to the American Council on Exercise, a place where I worked from January 2006 to November of that same year. I had to pick up a book for school, show off my son and have lunch with an old co-worker. Although I only worked there just under a year, it was by far my favorite place of employment. The people there were great, I still maintain friendships there and the organization itself is just amazing.

Now, I'm pretty sure anyone can relate to being anywhere from their past and old feelings come up, good or bad, or even music can bring up past memories. For me, when I hear "Sister Golden Hair" by America I instantly get goosebumps and think of being a little kid, being in the old Dodge Van with my parents and can even smell the carpet from that van. Or the smell of Ponds Face cream always makes me think of my mom. It's like these things are linked up and can never be broken from our brains.

I haven't stepped foot in that office since my last day there, over 2 years ago. Before I went, I hadn't even thought about that, or what might happen when I got there. But let me back up for a moment. When I first started there, I had just moved out and separated from my first husband. I was in school full time and had to get a job to support myself and pay for my apartment. I immediately loved the job and the people there, but couldn't get away from my personal problems. It was pretty obvious I was going through a tough time and a little embarrassing as well. As the months progressed my friendships got tighter, but my life fell apart more and more. I discovered my husbands infidelities, and the drama that surrounded that ensued. I was served divorce papers at work that summer. I had also started a relationship with someone that was intense and drama filled from the get-go. I remember going into the bathroom at least twice a week, sometimes every day to go into a stall and cry. I was a mess. My personal life was a disaster, but I loved the people and the job, which kept me sane. I left the job because the person I was in a relationship with talked me into moving up to the bay area, so I quit. A month later after we broke up they had already filled my position, so I couldn't come back.

I guess I had forgotten that the entire time I worked there I was in a monumental life changing place in life. When I look back at my time at ACE, I remember the people, not how I felt in my heart. But when I pulled into the parking lot on Friday....it all came back like a tornado. My eyes fell on the front doors of the building and the parking lot and I immediately said out loud, "oh...my....God". I could vividly remember having screaming arguments on the phone with my ex-husband, being so angry my whole body shook, thinking even though I was outside, my co-workers might still be able to hear me, and knowing I had to wrap it up in a couple minutes and go back inside to be a professional. I quickly pushed it from my memory and went inside. Walking through the halls of the building I passed by the bathroom where I used to go to cry. I literally felt like I walked past my old ghost at that moment. There she was, dressed in her perfect outfit from the Banana Republic, looking gaunt and lost. She was sad and confused. She was a completely different person than I am today. It made me very uncomfortable to be there for a few minutes. I could feel all the tension I felt once before, as if I had left unfinished business there and it re-entered my body.

I went to lunch with my friend and was planning on going back in to visit a few more people. But as I sat in the parking lot, I really just wanted to leave. As the day went on I couldn't stop thinking about how I felt and what a strange, physical and emotional experience that was. But, I'm grateful it happened. It reminded me of how far I have come and how much I have grown. At one point I was in a place where I only had a tiny sliver of hope at best that things would get better. I couldn't fathom "take it day by day", so I chose to take it "hour by hour". I made a choice to love myself when I felt that no one else did and that is what carried me. That, and a yellow post-it that was on my bathroom mirror that read, "When you are down to nothing, God is up to something". I've said it before in previous posts, that I had to go through all the grief and turmoil to get to the much better and healthy place I am in. And for that, I say "thank you" to my old ghost.

Resolutions, Schmesolutions

Ah, January. The time of year where we all get out our pens and write down our resolutions yet again. They talk about it on the news, the gyms are packed, it's as if we all got two new double A batteries loaded into our brains and we're ready to tackle our list!

Wait a minute....what do you mean you're not organized, in shape, done reading all those books, remodeled your kitchen, gotten in touch with lost friends, found a new job, had quality time with your significant other and made scrapbooks of your kids by December???

Because thinking about resolutions or even writing them down on a crisp piece of paper just doesn't cut it, my friend! So, (cracking knuckles), keep reading to find out a better way.

First, acknowledge that conquering a goal is difficult, but not impossible. If it were easy, we would all be endlessly happy and rich to boot. So, don't beat yourself up for past resolutions or goals that you have failed at. We've all been there, even Tony Robbins, (I think. He's human, right?) so move on.

Second, make your list and leave lots of room in between goals. Think about what you want your new year to look like. Where do you want to be 12 months from now? Even if it's the scariest, hairiest goal ever, WRITE IT DOWN! The scarier, the better. Go back and with the space you left, write down the reasons you have not made these goals happen in the past. Then, write down why this goal is important to you. (For example: Resolution- start working out. Reasons I haven't done it- don't have time, too tired, it's boring. Reason it's important- lose weight, live longer, I love spandex.) Lastly in this space, write down HOW you will do it. Be specific! (I want to walk 2 miles in my neighborhood in the mornings twice a week for 2 weeks, then 3 times a week thereafter). Make sure this is attainable and realistic. We've all been taught to "reach for the starts", but sometimes, we gotta start with reaching for the doorknob. Make sure that your goals are measurable. Try to stay away from general statements like, "I want to lose weight". How much weight? And by when? Re-read your list and pick ONE goal at a time to tackle. If you see one where your intuition tells you "that's not going to happen" really think about it. Are you self-sabotaging yourself? Or, is this the one goal that you are ready to be proud of that you finally accomplished it?

Third, and this is where you may need to be a little organized, plan it out. Just writing down, "I will walk twice this week" isn't enough. Plan it in your week. If you have a day planner/organizer/tech gadget figure out when you will have time, and schedule it in. Put it somewhere where you will have to see it.

Everyone is different when it comes to attaining goals. For me, the more people I tell about a goal, the more I strive to attain it. Accountability is a great way to get things accomplished. Life is too short to sit around and just talk about what we want to do. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some goals to write down!!



Photo courtesy of flickr by brownhorse

Ignoring Red Flags

There is something to say about intuition. I think every human being has it, some are more in tune to it than others, but I truly believe that when encountering a bad situation or even a not-so-great person, our intuition tries to tell us. It's like our soul foreshadows the future and is bracing itself for the pain that will come. Intuition is a survival mechanism that we all have.

I have been in two different situations where I have flat out ignored the red flags. And they weren't just waving in front of me either. They were beating over the head shouting, "DANGER, DANGER, GET OUT NOW!" I think there was also a police man frantically trying to direct me into another direction as I drove past, battered and bruised from being hit with the red flags. Of course I am speaking metaphorically here, but the warning signs were so obvious. Literally I remember thinking, "This isn't good. What am I doing?" And I shushed that little voice as fast as I could. The first time after months of the voice speaking to me I finally listened and took action, but the second time it happened was when I really felt kind of stupid.

I always love to learn from the mistakes that I have made and Lord knows, I have made my fair share of them. I add it to the list of lessons, pat myself on the back, move on and tell myself I won't make that same mistake again. But the second time I was seeing these red flags wizz by, I ignored them. Denial is a powerful thing, isn't it? What I learned from that situation was this: The more vulnerable I was in a situation (for example, recently getting your heart broken, losing a job, etc) the more likely I was to ignore the warning signs. You would think it would be the opposite, that I would have been more guarded. But for me, it was like I couldn't stand the thought of being hurt again or being in another bad situation, so if I ignored it maybe it would all just go away. Right?

For the most part, we make decisions based on safety and fear. In some cases, people may may ignore their intuition because they think where they are is safe, where as it may be that they are just comfortable. In my case, I ignored my intuition because I was afraid of another failed relationship. At that particular point in my life I would rather have a bad relationship than no relationship. Come to think of it, I actually thought I was comfortable because I had become so accustomed to being in a codependant relationship, I didn't know what a functional, healthy one looked like.

Thankfully, it only took twice for me to really understand we are our own best friend. And if you do choose to ignore the red flags, look at it like this: Would you not tell your best friend something that you knew would obviously hurt them? I would venture to guess that you would tell them, so think of your intuition warning you is like your best friend whispering in your ear because they care about you.

STRESS

I was listening to a radio show this morning and the DJ's were discussing multitasking. They were talking about their jobs and parenting and how some people are constantly just going going going, always having several things they are doing or going to do at once, never slowing down. Various people were calling in telling their story of all the things they do, like one woman woke up at 4:30 am and instead of just enjoying a quiet morning to herself, she couldn't stand the thought of doing nothing so she went to the grocery store.

It got me thinking about people that can't slow down, perhaps because I struggle with this myself. I think the adrenaline that goes along with stress and too many commitments is like a drug. It becomes an addiction that you just can't stop. You feed on it, and when life slows down, there is a sense of urgency, a need to have more to do. I also think it's a matter of control. There are so many things we can't control in our lives, the more things we can control, the better we feel.

I have struggled for years with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It's a disorder that can cause any stressful situation, however minor, to turn into a full blown panic attack, or if you're lucky, just irrational thinking. The way I describe it is that I will have a stressful thought or worry, then 3 minutes later I am planning my own funeral in my head because I am sure that all of this is going to wind up in some disaster. Thankfully, now those thoughts are few and far between, and I have learned to slow down and try to get peace in my life, and in my mind. Some questions I ask myself when I start to get stressed are:

"What is the worst case scenario if I can't get this done?"
"Will someone be hurt if I can't get this done?"
"If I don't do this am I being lazy, or just nice to myself?"
"What do I need to do to make this easier on myself?"
"Is this really worth stressing over?"

Usually this helps and I can either better organize my thoughts and/or tasks and just slow down.

The Republicrat

I have been debating whether or not to post this for months now, and now that the election is over, I am going to brave it. It has nothing to do with coaching or making your life better. Perhaps it's my own selfishness of just wanting to get it off my chest.

Since I was 18 years old I have been a registered Republican. I don't remember my own parents being politically charged in any way as I was growing up, but growing up in the 80's, I was a product of the Reagan years. When I met my first husband, his family was very conservative which encouraged my values and beliefs. When I went started classes at Cal State San Marcos I proudly became a member of the CSUSM College Republicans. But as the years passed I started to realize that not all of my beliefs were congruent with the GOP. But then again, a lot of them did. I felt like I was in a tug-o-war and I wanted no part of it. As if I had identified myself wholeheartedly with a group, and then got lost. Then 9/11 happened and I wore the nametag "Republican" proudly once again. Two years later when we went to war, I started to see which side of the fence my friends stood on, and a lot of them weren't on my side. I didn't back down from my beliefs. I can honestly say that at that time I was not influenced by anyone else than myself. However after getting into two different arguments with two different friends about politics, I decided I couldn't have the conversation anymore. It's not worth damaging a friendship over.

But election time came up and to be honest, I was happy to see it happen because let's face it; I don't think GWB is getting any awards for being America's greatest president. But for the first time in my adult life I was actually quiet about my beliefs and who I was voting for. Why? Did the tug-o-war finally get to me? Was I begrudgingly trading in my College Republican t-shirt for an Obama hat?

In a metaphorical sense, I feel like a little girl, standing in between her fighting, divorced parents that despise each other. I love both, and I believe in both, but I don't like some of the things both are doing. But I am forced to choose. And either way, I lose.

I love my country. I am grateful that I was born here and I have more opportunities than most of the world can even dream of. I love that my children have those same things. I am happy to see we have an African-American president, it will show my children tolerance and that anything is possible and that we are one step closer to seeing a woman as president. But I am still lost in this Democrat/Republican battle and quite honestly, I don't quite understand why some people will not even listen to other people's beliefs. I think as long as we have 2 parties, we will be a nation divided.

Crisis = Rebirth

Recently I have been reading the book, "Welcome to Your Crisis". I bought it when I went through my divorce, but actually just started reading it about a year ago (I know, it's been a long process getting through it), but only halfway through it, I have learned so much about how important crisis are to us and shaping who we are.

A few hours before I found out that my marriage was truly over, I went for a run in Carlsbad. There are some cliffs that have a breathtaking view of the beach and the ocean and I had ran by that spot many times. Something made me stop and stand to look out over the cliffs. It was February and it was unusually warm. There was a song that was hugely popular at that time called "Unwritten" by Natasha Bettingfield. It happened to be playing on my ipod at that moment. As I listened to the lyrics and looked out at the vast Pacific ocean in front of me, taking in the breeze and the warm sun on my face I couldn't help but think these words were meant for me:

"I am unwritten
Can't read my mind, I'm undefined

I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand, ending unplanned"

There was so much uncertainty for me at that time, for the first time in 13 years I was really uncertain as to which direction I was going to go in. For months I had been struggling whether or not to stay in my marriage. But for some reason, I knew that no matter what, no matter how long the journey ahead of me was going to be, no matter how much of an uphill battle it was, I was going to be okay. Standing there looking out ahead of me, knowing that I had so much more to look forward to in my life. I was lucky enough to be re-born. I outgrew my old life, it was time for me to move on to something better. The moment didn't last long.

A few hours later my whole life changed. A single phone call made the decision that for months I had been struggling to make. Now, I won't sit here and tell you that I just skipped off smiling to the tune of my favorite song and all was well. No, far be it from that. My whole comfortable world was not just turned upside down, it was taken away. Within minutes I was a different person not only to myself, but to others as well.

It's only been 2 years since this event. Sometimes I feel like it's been much longer, I've come so far and that time seems like a distant memory. Then other times I feel like it's still fresh. For a while I tried to pretend that that painful part of my life was all over, and it had no effect on me whatsoever. It was the past, period. But, truthfully, I can't deny that it shaped who I am today, typing these words. There is no question that I have become a better person because of this. I have learned so much and for me, it just happened to be a very dramatic way to figure all these things out. Apparently, a dramatic end was what it took for me to move on. Sometimes I wish that it didn't have to be so painful, but in reality, I'm glad it happened to me. 2 years ago I would have never said that, I literally thought I could die from the pain I was in. But that crisis allowed me to start over, to be reborn as whatever I wanted to be. I had complete control of the new person I was about to become. After a few months of shock, grieving, confusion and resistance to change, I finally realized that I couldn't move on unless I really looked at this experience as a blessing. I was given a gift. Sure, it wasn't wrapped up with a pretty bow, but it was a gift nonetheless. One of significant value for my future self. Yes, I was terrified having to start all over at 30 years old, but lucky for me, I was only 30 years old!

On a side note: It's funny....when I first decided to be a life coach in 2003 I remember thinking, "Gosh, I don't know if I would be able to relate to some people that are going through rough times in their life. I don't have that kind of life experience" Be careful what you wish for! Perhaps that was a self-fulfilling prophesy of sorts.

Laura Day, author of the book, talks about crisis leading to rebirth and compares it to a baby growing in a womb. The baby grows and grows in it's comfortable environment, then there comes a time when the baby has outgrown it's home, needs to be born for it's own survival into a new environment. I look at my experience as such. I grew as a person and needed to move on to be who I was meant to be. Maybe that's why babies cry when they're born, because they are upset about leaving their comfortable place they have grown to love and maybe it hurts a little to be born. They eventually get used to their new place and really don't even remember that old place anymore. Crisis is the same way. So the next time you are facing a crisis right in the eyes, maybe even for a moment look at it like a blank page in front of you, and you have the pen in your hand. Start writing!

Big plans for 2009!

As I have mentioned in a couple of my previous posts, my good friend Jenny Ferry has asked yours truly to be a speaker at a series of workshops in 2009. There are several portions, including finance, career, relationships, nutrition and exercise and my portion; style/self-concept. As many of you know I left the fashion industry about 5 years ago to go back to school to get my B.S. in Kinesiology. What some people don't know is why I left the fashion industry in the first place...

Immediately after I graduated from Fashion Careers of California College, I beat out 4 other interns from my school to land a job as an assistant buyer at a chain of surf shops. I thought it was my dream job! Soon after I got the job I realized why that position had been a revolving door for so long. I worked long hours, wasn't paid enough, didn't have enough training, was over-worked and the upper management was, well, awful to say the least. I kept thinking a had to stick it out, I wasn't a quitter and so many girls would kill for that job! After a few months just about every person who had a position higher than myself had made me cry and I chalked it up to needing thicker skin and I was just learning the ropes. I assumed the vice president of the company hated me (which was the most intimidating woman I had ever met), but one day her admin assistant told me she overheard her telling the president of the company that I was the "it" girl at the company. I kept telling myself this was my stepping stone to bigger things and I needed to just stick it out for a few years.

Then things just got worse. When my boss knew I was at my limit she would tell me over and over again how wonderful I was and what would she ever do without me. As I sat there at 9 pm on a Friday night, knowing I would be there in the morning on Saturday too, I really started to think about my future. Did I want to do this forever? Was it my ambition to work in fashion and dedicate my career to it? No, and believe me when I say I mean nothing against anyone that does, it just wasn't what I felt that I was supposed to do. I was sticking it out and trying to get ahead for the wrong reasons. And thank God I realized it when I was only 25.

I know I was put here to be a leader, make a change and better myself and others. That's why I am so excited to be a part of these workshops! I'm not going to simply tell these girls how to dress, they can get a $12 subscription to a fashion magazine to do that. This is much, MUCH bigger. I am passionate that your self worth, self esteem and self-confidence are the guiding lights to build a better you! Our image and how we portray it sends a message to others of how we see ourselves and how we want others to see us. And many of us are confused about what our style really is and if it's really "us", or how society is dressing us. It's all intertwined and I can't wait to share what I have learned with others.

So, check it out if you haven't already, the Crest of Your Life Workshops, here