The Worst Mother in the World

This blog is supposed to be all about empowering women, to lead their best lives. I try my best to make the best out of everything, to put a positive spin on things, to talk about my struggles and how I overcame them. It brings me great joy to know that someone reading might take my words and have a little hope.

But, this post isn't about that.

I recently told my coach that motherhood has forced me to dig to the deepest parts of me to find the most patience I have. I have dug, and dug and dug. And there isn't any left. I'm all out. I have hit slammed into a wall recently and am wondering when the "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" statement will be flung at me like monkeys throwing poo at the zoo. Which by the way, I don't even want to get into complaining about how much poop I've been dealing with on a literal standpoint in this house.

So, what is this post about? Well, I understand that you, reading this, are not the complaint department. But, I'd like to confess that my gremlin has got the best of me lately. And she's hit be below the belt, right in the uterus. She's laughing hysterically and pointing and saying,

You are the worst mother in the world. 

In the world of, "Keep it together, lady. Don't let them see you sweat, or cry, or fly off the handle," it's next to impossible for me. When my 3 year old son gets in my face and screams, "NOOOOOOOO!" at the top of his lungs I think, "Does this child hate me? This beautiful boy that has my heart in his hands?" And when my 11 month old daughter clings to me and cries when I drop her off at daycare for the 4 hours that she will be away from me 3 times a week, I think, "For pete's sake, she's still nursing! How could I leave her?" 

You are the worst mother in the world.

I mean really, it's the only possible explanation. 

I don't think I ever knew pain until I experienced mommy guilt. No one tells you before you have kids that it's a package deal. No one tells you that the pain of mommy guilt will wreck you from the inside out. I spent all that time before I had kids with my head in the clouds thinking motherhood is about hearts and rainbows. 


You are the worst mother in the world.

I type all these words and think, "You know there are people out there that can't have kids. That would give their right arm to have them, all of it, guilt and all." 

So, yet again, 

You are the worst mother in the world.

But, I'm human. And I'm having a really, really hard time. 

One of my favorite scenes from the movie, "Forrest Gump", Forrest is running when a reporter approaches him. Forrest runs through dog shit: 
Reporter: Man! You just ran through a big pile of dog shit! 
Forrest: It happens. 
Reporter: What? Shit? 
Forrest: Sometimes......


Stassja said...

*Waves* Hanging with you here at rock bottom in Worst-Mom-Ever Land. The homeschooling activist/enthusiast, who once dreamed of picking out curriculum, is scouring the internet for preschools and shouting GET THEM OUT OF MY HAIR BEFORE I EXPLODE.

*hugs* This age spacing is hell. I feel terrible because while I don't regret my sweet, lovely Dori, I regret rushing into having him. WHhyyyyyy did we not wait. Did we know that I would be here losing my marbles? That it would nearly obliterate our marriage? Were we nuts?

Here's to making it through to the other side!

Laurie Wallin said...

Yeah, having one of those moments myself right now! Just sent overwhelmed, tantruming 8 year old upstairs for a rest because I am OUT of behavior modification ideas. I am still nursing the wound on my toddler's face from being a foot away and not catching her as she skidded onto the ground at the park this morning. And it's hot and I hot makes me want to yell too. So there. I guess we're both the worst mother in the world. At least you have company :)

stephanie said...

No-one has it all together all the time. You are a wonderful mother. You are in your children's lives, you provide them with a secure family unit. You are showing them by example that it is important to take care of their mind and body. I personally know SEVERAL mother's that deserve the "Worst Mom Ever" title, and you do not come anywhere near challenging them for the title of worst!

I think we all have at least a day or week here or there that feels off and we question whether the way we're dong things is "right". I think these moments can help remind us that no matter who you are or what stage you are in, there is always room to make things better. It's also a great time to remind ourselves of what we are doing right for our kids!

Andrea said...

@Stassja- lol....I looked into homeschool too and then realized, "You mean they're here with me all the time? Like 24/7?" No, thanks.
This age that my son is at has solidified our decision to not have any more children. We're not having a third for my sanity.

@Laurie- Yes, it being hot adds to the tension. BTW, I had time in between clients and went for a run. It helped :)

@Stephanie- thanks!! I know truthfully I'm not a terrible mother, but my gremlin likes to throttle me with the notion. This too shall pass...

Stassja said...

Yeah, I'm really feeling the no-more-babies vibe. Of course, I have alot of years left that we could have more. But unless we are living in some magical land with tons of family support and opportunities for me to be away from the babies? No. I'm stretched so thin with two, I don't want to add another, AND go through all "omg I'm trapped within 2hrs of this nursing baby FOREVER" year+ again. Ray is suddenly VERY three and that is not helping matters at all. We need to hang sometime!

Natasha said...

I think the fact that all of you care so much about your kids that you HAVE this guilt shows that none of you are anywhere near terrible mothers. You're all amazing mothers & I'll bet it's difficult but you guys are all doing great jobs.