What's Happening?!

Hooray!!! So many things are happening on my end, so I thought I would update my 2 readers (mom and dad).

I've been writing this blog for about almost 2 years now. I had no idea where it was going back then, I just knew I loved to write, needed an outlet for all the things I needed to say and  knew I would eventually have a blog when I started my coaching business. So, almost 2 years later, my coaching business is being born.

Your Kick Ass Life is almost here! I struggled with the name, and my gremlin said, "You CANNOT have the word 'ass' in your business name!" So, I thought about it, got some advice from my most trusted coach friends and basically came to the conclusion that if someone is offended by the word "ass", they probably don't want to be my friend. And by all means, I'm okay with that. "Live Your Ideal Life" was good while it lasted, but it's really not "me". Many, many years ago I started saying, "Life's too short for it not kick ass", and well, it just stuck. I hope you like it!!!!

Also, I have a new Facebook page, (many thanks to Kristina Chartier for the amazing photography), and I really hope you'll join me there. I'll post inspirational things, and I promise not to be a spammer.

My heart and soul are going into this. It might sound crazy, but this is almost as exciting as the birth of my children. It's more than amazing to know I was put on this earth to make a difference and inspire others to do the same. To find their true calling, whatever it may be for each individual person.

So, stay tuned for my new website (yourkickasslife.com), hopefully within the next month or 2 (*shrieking*). And thanks for reading, supporting, or even if you don't like me, I'm glad I have at least conjured up a feeling in you. It makes me proud ;)

Love,
Andrea

Ratting myself out.

Forgive me, blogosphere, for I have sinned.

The last few weeks I've been ranting about taking steps back to re-evaluate ourselves and what we're doing. I wrote about just "being" instead of "doing" all the time, and before that I wrote about perfectionism and the curse of "go big or go home".

And last week, my good friend Jenny Blake wrote a post entitled "My Sandboxed Life" where she confesses that her overachievement is getting to her and she wants to slow down (by the way, the "friend" she mentions that told her she was a "house of cards waiting to crumble"? Yeah, that was me).

So, here I am, blahbidy, blah, blah. Telling all of you in the blogosphere the importance of slowing down for your own sanity and little ol' me has a to-do list 17 miles long. Yes, I said it. I am a....

Hypocrite.

But, in my own defense, and the point of this post, is that I didn't even know it was happening. Let me explain.

I've learned some things about my own negative self talk, or saboteur (remember mine? She's a real bitch). In most cases, this talk is blatantly negative, saying things like, "You can't do this, you suck at that, you're stupid", etc. Since I've done a pretty good job at recognizing these voices and putting a lid on it, my bitch of a gremlin has evolved and gotten smarter. Since she knows she can't trap me that way, she's flipped it around and disguises herself as ambition. She makes ridiculous demands, plays the comparison game and has no patience for compromise. None. (P.S. I talk about her in the third person because it helps me decipher those words from my true self . I know it sounds like I hear voices, but I'm really not schizophrenic. Er, at least I don't think I am). My own coach gave me a homework assignment a couple weeks back that entailed me sitting down and making a list of things not to-do, but what I've done in the last year. I finally did it, and was astounded at how long and kick-ass it was. It made me realize that if I can't sit back and be proud of myself for accomplishing all that I've done, what's the point it wearing myself out for it? It's okay to slow down and celebrate once in a while. To look at how far I've come, and sometimes, to confess that I screw up. So, with that, I pull up my big girl panties and carry on.

I can't tell you what a relief it's been to realize this and put things off. I don't know why I see women entrepreneurs that have been in business for 10+ years and think I need to be that. Tomorrow. How ridiculous! I was reminded this week by Jennifer Powter that moms starting a business with small children live in dog years. What takes most people 1 day may take us a week. It's frustrating, and as a recovering type a/perfectionist person, I can tell you that irritates the shit out of me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go get my professional juggling certification.

What do you want to BE when you grow up?

Interesting how that question is worded. Not "what do you want to DO when you grow up".

I suppose in some ways I'm just growing up now. I had several life altering experiences within a few years of each other. Bad ones. I mean really, really bad. The kind of things that make people's eyes widen and they don't know what to say. So, I've been asked many times how I came out on the other side. How did I not just wallow in self pity and become a walking disaster? Well, I was a walking disaster for several months, but some key things happened to get myself to a better place. Today I found something and would like to share with you.

I've always been in a hurry to do everything. At this point, I know it's in my DNA, and I've accepted it, so I only try to slow down when I'm being crazy and it's affecting me or someone I care about in a negative way. I walk fast, talk fast and like to cross things off my list. So, 2 years ago I was sitting in one of my coaches training classes and we were asked the question to ponder and write down the answer:

"What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" 


And being little Miss Busy Bee that I am, I started writing furiously. Making goals. The things I was supposed to do. The things I thought I should do. I even put timelines on them. I wrote about 5 things and stopped. I drew a big X through them. On the next line I wrote:

Just Be. 


Just be happy and confident and know that when the time is right and when I am ready it will happen. 


That was a big step for me. Letting go of all the doing. Letting go of control, knowing I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Looking at my own words in my own handwriting this morning brought me to tears. That was my list of hopes and dreams. That was what I wanted to be when I grew up. Sure, I wanted to do all of the "things" on my list, but really, it wasn't working out so well in the past. I was lost. So, that day I threw the towel in. I didn't care if everyone else in my class had goals written down. I was tired. Tired of chasing the impossibleness of "doing" all the time. I wanted to just be me. I suppose my soul sighed from relief and thanked me.

Trust me, my life isn't all unicorns farting rainbows. I still make lists of things to do. But, I've been able to just be....me. Messy, unorganized, imperfect, crazy, spazz girl me.

Triggered.

trig·ger

–verb

• to initiate or precipitate (a chain of events, scientific reaction, psychological process, etc.)
• to fire or explode (a gun, missile, etc.) by pulling a trigger or releasing a triggering device
• to become active; activate

First thing Monday morning I had a session with my coach. I didn’t have a specific topic nailed down, but had about 3 things that were swimming in my head, so I just started talking. Talk, talk, talk about how I want to do this, and I need to decide on this, and I feel lost about that. A few minutes later my coach says, “Wow. Sounds like you’ve been triggered.” 

And Holy Moses, was she right. 

I thought about the last 2 weeks and some things that had happened. Not necessarily monumental events, just little things that planted themselves in my brain, and then the fire started. For me, in this particular instance I’m writing about, is body image. And let me tell ya, when it's body image, it's not just a piddly fire. It's a god damn inferno. 

Week before last I was running in my neighborhoods while pushing both my kids in the stroller. I was feeling amazing, finally feeling better from an injury and so happy to be back doing what I love: running. A car pulled up beside me, slowed down and a women about early to mid-60’s rolled down her window. She smiled and asked me, “How come it’s always the skinny girls that are running?” 

...

I was speechless (which is rare for me). My first reaction was to stop and launch into an enormous explanation, an angry explosion. Who does she think she is, thinking that I run to be skinny? How dare she assume that being skinny equates happiness and health? And who cares what type of body I have, why does that matter? Is that supposed to be some kind of compliment? And on and on and on. My head spun out of control with assumptions of what she really meant and I can’t imagine what the look on my face was like. However, I said nothing. 

On Saturday I went to a workshop that was held at a beautiful private gym. I went to use the restroom and there it was: The scale. You might be thinking, “Yeah, so what?” But for me, and I think for a lot of people that are in recovery from disordered eating and exercise, seeing that scale was...terrifying, haunting, exciting, curious, frustrating, confusing and triggering. So many thoughts. The angel and devil quickly had an argument: Don’t get on it. It’s not that big of a deal, just step on it. Don’t do it, you haven’t weighed yourself in 9 months! Well, you’ve been exercising again, let’s just see what happened. If you step on it, you might go back there, to that place. Are you that fragile that you can’t handle what it says? Yes, you can, just do it. Prove that it’s not a big deal anymore. 

As I washed my hands I stared at it on the floor in the mirror. And I walked away. 

These two things happened and that’s just it: They happened. In my mind I’ve come to the conclusion that being triggered = BAD. And what happens afterward, or how I handle it (or don’t handle it) determines and defines who I am and where I am in terms of recovery. 

Today, I learned and accepted that I don’t have to go down with the triggers in my life, whether they be about body image, perfectionism, relationships or anything. Sometimes they suck, and sometimes they hurt, but I can choose to look at them as a gift. Sometimes they’re wrapped up in a pretty bow, sometimes they feel like a block of cement, sometimes it's a box of dog shit, but no matter what, they are my gift to myself, and I just need to ask, “What did I learn?” That’s it. They don’t need to mean anything profound all the time. They don’t define me. They don’t grip me. 

So, what did I learn? I learned that backhanded compliments about my body are hard to swallow. Thinking about it further, any comment about my body is hard to swallow. But, I don't need to make assumptions about what that person meant. And I learned that sometimes the scale looks scary. And there's a part of me that's curious about how much I weigh. That's it. I can get so caught up and lost if the "what does it all mean?" and will run on that hampster wheel all damn day. And if I need to cry, I'll cry. And if I don't, I won't. But being triggered doesn't equal anything. 

So, think about what triggers you. Perhaps there are times when you feel so overwhelmed by something, or really wanting to launch into a new project, or control something, anything in your life. Think about the past few weeks or even months and if anything happened, however small that may have triggered you. And just be with it. 

Photo courtesy of Soul Rider

The Gremlin, The Mannequin and Joan Jett

Warning: Strong language included in this post.

I may have mentioned in my previous posts about what we call in the coaching world as our “saboteur”. AKA "the gremlin". It’s that little (or sometimes not so little) voice in our head that we all have, some more than others. It tells us mean things, negative talk, tells us we can’t do something, that we look stupid, that we’re fat, ugly, etc. Everyone’s is unique. Some people believe theirs more that others. Some people have learned how to squash theirs. But, it’s been my experience, that it never quite goes away and that it evolves, just like we do. It gets smarter, and sneakier too as time goes on.

I’ve started this post a few times, and have never finished or posted about my saboteur. It was a homework assignment from my coach about a year ago; one that I never completed (See, even coaches are bad clients sometimes). I think back then I was afraid to rip the band aid off and show everyone my saboteur. Well, enough hiding, here she is:

My sabotuer is a vicious bitch to me. In my mind she looks like a manequin would, perfect hair, skin, and make up, perfectly thin with no flaws. On display. She is also empty inside. She tells me my world will fall apart at any moment, and to brace myself for it. She wears a smug expression. She tells me I need to be thinner, stronger, younger, in better shape, a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better everything. And never, ever, let them see you cry. She used to tell me I'm not good at anything, so why try?





I.
Fucking.
Hate.
Her.

The absolute complete opposite of her, and what in my mind kicks her ass is my alter ego: Joan Jett. She doesn’t give a shit about what anyone thinks of her, doesn’t give a damn about her bad reputation, is exactly who she is and certainly makes no apologies for it. She is a serious ass-kickin' rocker.

In many ways I'm a lot like her, but my gremlin says, "That's not pretty, not lady-like, it's too loud and-your-reputation-IS-so-important-if-it-were-flawed-WE-WOULD-DIE!!!"

Metaphorically speaking, the mean-bitch mannequin lady and Joan Jett have roller derby races. They race, they bump into each other, tell each other to fuck off, sometimes they crash and get it into a knock down cat fight. They go around and around the track, going nowhere.

Do you think I'm totally crazy yet? Okay, good.

But, sometimes they slow down and skate together quietly. Because I am not either of them. I am not perfect at parenting, working out, or anything for that matter. And I don't need to be hard-as-nails tough like Joan Jett either. I can be in the middle. In the grey. My gremlin, the mannequin lady is addicted to suffering. No matter how pretty she presents herself to me, no matter how convincing she is, I still need to remember SHE IS NOT ALLOWED TO LIVE MY LIFE. So, I take my skates back.

And skate away from her to take control of my own life.

So, who is your gremlin, your saboteur? What does he/she say to you? How do you decipher between that voice and your true voice, your true being? 

100 things I am grateful for

I'm a huge fan of the list of 100. In a previous post I challenged my readers to make a list of 100 things they love about themselves. Today, I was on a walk in this beautiful weather, pushing my 2 beautiful children in the stroller. I was overwhelmed with how blessed my life is and it always seems to get better the more grateful I am for what I have. So, I thought I would share with you my list of 100. And I challenge you to do the same. Having repeats is okay. It shows patterns of what is really important to you.

I'm grateful for:

1. My husband. He has integrity, is loving, patient and is a kind soul. I hit the jackpot.
2. My mom taking me to church when I was little. It shaped my faith.
3. Legs that work. Because I love to run.
4. My husband's secure job.
5. Health insurance.
6. My healthy teeth.
7. Running water. Bathing and brushing my teeth are good things.
8. My dads sobriety. I'm so proud of him.
9. Being able to stay home with my kids.
10. Being recovered from disordered eating and exercise.
11. Knowing my purpose on this earth.
12. My son's birth. I knew he was safe when I had to have him via cesarean section.
13. My daughters birth. Having her vaginally was a magical experience. Yes, I just said "vaginally".
14. My ex husband cheating on me. It made me find my self esteem.
15. My first marriage. I learned so many things about myself and relationships.
16. My relationship with a drug addict. I learned to say goodbye to codependency.
17. Living in San Diego, the most beautiful city in the world. (In my humble opinion).
18. Santa Claus.
19. Having reliable transportation.
20. Date night with my husband. The conversation always inspires me.
21. Music. I am so moved by music.
22. Exercising. It's so worth it.
23. Dancing.
24. Having the guts to stand up for what I believe in.
25. Being literate. Thank you mom, dad and teachers for teaching me to read.
26. Razors. Because I don't like it when my armpits are hairy.
27. Brownies, chocolate chip cookies and cake.
28. Being able to breast feed my children.
29. The clothes in my closet. Sometimes I think I have nothing to wear. I have plenty.
30. My degree in fashion merchandising. It made me realize I wasn't meant to work in the industry.
31. Girl Scouts. I learned so many things and it shaped me today.
32. My daughters toothless grin.
33. The Internet.
34. My dad teaching me the importance of a firm handshake.
35. My parents ability to afford braces for me.
36. Lactation consultants and doulas.
37. My right to free speech.
38. My dad teaching me how to play tennis.
39. Feminists that fight for women's rights
40. Shoes. Like the clothes, I have plenty.
41. The heater in our house.
42. Our home. Sometimes I wish I had more counter space, but we have enough.
43. Volunteering for the Special Olympics.
44. Online support groups. When I was pregnant with my daughter and wanting a VBAC, the ladies on that support group were immensely helpful.
45. Hand-me-downs for my kids.
46. Laundry detergent.
47. Recycling.
48. Facebook. I've reunited with so many important people that I'd lost touch with. And met new ones.
49. The beach.
50. My sense of humor.
51. My fertility. I am so, so grateful to be able to have babies when I wanted them.
52. My physical health.
53. My mental health and stability.
54. Living in a hygienic environment. Sounds strange, but a lot of people don't have this.
55. Modern medicine.
56. God in my life.
57. Entertainment options. I should never be bored.
58. Coffee.
59. Believing in the importance of personal growth and development.
60. The people who will be my clients this year while I go through CTI certification. I don't know who they are yet :)
61. People that read and comment on my blog. It helps to keep me motivated to keep writing.
62. Seatbelts.
63. All the jobs I have had. I've learned so much.
64. My values and core beliefs. Knowing them means I can honor them.
65. Being able to be a stay-at-home-mom.
66. Getting to snuggle with both babies in bed in the morning, watching Sesame Street.
67. Having reliable transportation.
68. Having a fridge and cupboards full of food.
69. Parks.
70. This crummy economy. It's made me realize how much we have.
71. Connecting with incredible people. Human contact.
72. My Beco baby carrier. My daughter practically lives in it.
73. Not having to take medication anymore for anxiety disorder.
74. My therapist.
75. My sister.
76. Pets. Even though we don't have one right now.
77. The fact that I chose my own happiness.
78. Eating dinner as a family.
79. Service to others. Giving back.
80. A comfortable, warm bed.
81. Clean underwear.
82. Being brave enough to stand up against "the bad guys".
83. Having a choice.
84. My education. Eternally grateful for that.
85. Student loans. They suck sometimes, but without them, I couldn't have gone to college.
86. Being in a functional, loving, drama-free,mutually respectful relationship.
87. Bubble baths.
88. My self esteem.
89. Classic 1970's rock.
90. Admitting I'm far from perfect, but doing the best I can.
91. Learning to be myself with ease.
92. Laughter.
93. My family's good health.
94. Access to fresh fruits and vegetables.
95. The ability to dream.
96. The right to vote.
97. Forgiveness.
98. That my life didn't turn out as I expected it to.
99. The fact that I was born in this amazing free country.
100. My life.

Photo courtesy of Malu Green

Forgiving ourselves

Have you ever done something really crappy? Either to someone else, or to yourself? I have. We all have. No one is perfect.

So, now that it's a new year, we all get these fuzzy feelings of "newness". A fresh start! I rubbed my hands together and thought hard about what I should write. Something that has to do with the new year, obviously, so how about forgiveness? Not forgiving others, but forgiving ourselves.

It doesn't have to be anything big that you did. Even believing the negative thoughts we fill our head with at times may be something you need to forgive. By doing this, I believe that we consciously think about the behavior and can start to make a change. I've said before that many times we are our own worst enemies when we should be our own best friend. Being kind to yourself includes forgiving our past mistakes. You are not our past. You are the good that you believe you are now and what you are becoming.

What do you need to forgive yourself for? Would it help you to move on if you did? Think about it...

Photo courtesy of Late Night Movie

Self-fulfilling prophecy

I have mentioned before in previous posts that in 2003 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (click here for an explanation of what GAD is). It was very hard for me to accept this because of the the sheer close- mindedness I had at the time of all mental disorders. In the very back of my mind I knew that something was wrong or different about me, but even that thought made me angry so denial was just a more comfortable place. I suppose I finally reached my breaking point, made the appointment with my doctor (after the urging of my therapist) and was my anxiety disorder was classified as "severe".

Several years later I am happy to say that I don't need medication anymore, but every once in a while it creeps back up. Interestingly, in both of my pregnancies in the first trimester my anxiety came back, but the episodes are few and far between now. I felt it coming back once when I had a coaching session with Larry Laprade and decided to bring the topic to my session with him. This is probably not a topic I would normally bring up, it's more of a therapy topic, but Larry was up for the challenge. As I told him about my worries, he asked me, "What is worry?" I asked him to elaborate and he wanted to know how I would explain the concept of "worry" to an alien from another planet that did not know what it was, or had never felt it. As I tried my best to explain it, I realized just how ridiculous all of my worrying really was.

Later, as I thought about it more, I wondered if all my worrying and anxiety was some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Wikipedia defines a self-fulfilling prophecy as: "a prediction that directly or indirectly causes itself to become true, by the very terms of the prophecy itself, due to positive feedback between belief and behavior."

Hmmmm.......

Now, I don't want to undermine the severity of GAD or any other mental illness, what I'm talking about here is general worry, stress, etc. That being said, my session with Larry got me wondering if all of our thoughts are little announcements to the universe of a desired outcome that we may or may not want in our life. Especially if a thought is repeated over and over again in our mind (or out of our mouth), that it gains momentum and energy. I don't think that it's a coincidence that when I worry and stress about about something in particular that things seem to fall apart, but when I concentrate on how well things are and all the positive, it breeds just that.

I'm a firm believer that anyone can train their mind to bring what they want into their lives. I also think that it takes more positive energy to counteract whatever negativity someone has manifested about a certain topic. Sort of how we remember the bad and hurtful comments someone makes to us much more than we remember the compliments. Affirmations are a great way of doing this.

If there is anything you do to help with this, or any experience you've had with this, let me know!

Photo courtesy of spaceodissey

5 steps to finding authentic health and wellness

I was a guest blogger this week for a really cool site- Girl Get Strong! Check out my article here.

Are we ever truly "over it"?

I like to say that I am now happily married and at the same time happily divorced. I’ve come to the realization that my ex-husband and I were never meant to be together forever. We grew apart in our 20’s and instead of breaking up to fix it, we got married instead. We were both in denial and I think we both thought marriage would help us. It didn’t. But I learned a tremendous amount and I know for a fact that my current marriage would not be as successful as it is without my past relationship. So I have no regrets. 

I had a coaching session with Larry Laprade and while I can’t remember the exact topic I brought to him for coaching, but during the session I expressed my frustration that my past was still effecting me in certain areas in my life. Not that I still love my ex husband or wish I was never divorced, but that in general I’m angry that I still get angry about the whole ordeal. I asked him, “Shouldn’t I be over it by now? And if I’m not, what does that mean?” 

Larry asked me to back up for a moment and answer this: What does being “over it” mean? More specifically, what is the criteria? (Don’t you just love coaching questions?) 

For me, in this particular situation, I suppose being over it means that I never think about it, or if it briefly must cross my mind for whatever reason, I don’t care. At all. My past relationship does not effect me in any way, shape or form.  If I can do that, I am truly over it. Reading what I just wrote makes me think that in order to do this I must be a robot. 

I was also asked about my anger towards the situation and what it means to have an emotion about someone else. Does it mean that we still care? That we still love that person? I guess not necessarily. It's just an emotion, but it doesn't define anything. Often times we confuse feelings with emotions. Larry said there's not a rule that says you can't have emotions about a past event or person. It's not the same thing as having feelings towards this person. I sat with that for a little while and felt better about it. He also emphasized that denying these feelings makes us tense, which is what I had been doing. I felt like if I had any feeling at all about my past relationship, positive or negative, that I was disrespecting my current marriage. Larry made me realize this wasn't the case. 

I don't believe it's possible to spend a significant amount of time with someone, split up (for whatever reason) and not have that relationship effect you in some way or another. Not necessarily the person, but the relationship. I think where the mistake is made is thinking you are disrespecting your new relationship by having these thoughts. I would not be where I am today without my past relationships. Especially the 13 year relationship I had from when I was 17 to 30. Sadly, divorce is so common and I think that many long term relationships are like a divorce when they end. Instead of despising the person we are no longer with, regretting time spent with them or pretending we don't care at all, try spinning it into a more positive way. For me, I am thankful for all the things I learned in my past. I have some great memories. I have also found who I am because of this relationship. But most importantly; I appreciate my husband now so much more than I would had I not had that past relationship. I suppose that's the reason I am not "over it". 

Perhaps we put too much emphasis on the term. I'm not sure. But I would love to hear your comments! 

Photo courtesy of Segozyme.

Why I think having a life coach rocks

For the past four months I have had the pleasure of having my own life coach.  I was feeling stuck and overwhelmed with my life, not to mention apprehensive about my future as far as my career was concerned. It was like I was running on empty, day after day, with no fire underneath me. I knew a woman who I went through life coaching training with, Annamaria Poluha, was entering the certification portion of her training and I knew she was just the type of coach I wanted. One of the beautiful things about hiring a life coach, is that you get to choose the type that you want. Yes, there are business coaches, spiritual coaches, relationship coaches, etc., but what I mean is the personality of the coach is also what you get to chose. Since I knew Annamaria pretty well, I knew she was soft spoken, yet firm, nurturing, intuitive and brilliant. 

When we have our phone calls every week, part of me is very excited, but I have to admit there is a tad bit of dread. The reason for this is because when you have a life coach, you are held accountable for action in regards to YOUR life. This can be uncomfortable sometimes. A lot of what we want in life is attainable but we just have to step out of our comfort zone to get it. Yuk. So, I put on my big girl panties (metaphorically) and stepped to it. 

The past few weeks I have been feeling really, really great about the direction of my life. Sure, it may be euphoric pregnancy hormones (although morning sickness is no fun), but I honestly attribute it to having a life coach and what it has done for me. It's like something clicked. Like a door opened up in my brain and a "let's get down to business" attitude started. It took a couple of months, but once the wheels started turning, I was on the ride of my life and I was in the drivers seat, no one else. That's the beauty of coaching; your coach doesn't hold all the answers for you or give you advice about what to do (if you want that, hire a consultant).  A great coach can pave the way for you to unlock your inner strength and courage which may be a side of you that you haven't met yet. Or, that you have been holding back in fear.  Also, coaching doesn't concentrate on your past. If you have issues here, you may need to see a therapist (and a coach may refer you to one if there are some barriers that are just holding you back), but coaching is more about the present and future. What you are going to do next and how are you going to get there. 

I have talked a little bit about the importance of self-care, and how imperative it is to treat ourselves with respect and put ourselves first in order to be our best selves to others. Especaially for women, we are expected to do so much; have a career (along with this is the battle within ourselves to keep it or stay home if we choose to have kids), be a good wife (difficult job), raise children (even more difficult job) all the while keeping up our figures and always with a smile on our face. I used to believe that living my ideal life was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It's not easy, no, but it's not as hard as I once thought. It takes effort, and I still get knocked down from time to time but having a life coach has given me the tools to make it easier and more fun. It's like before I had a flip flop and was trying to hammer a nail into a piece of wood, and now my life coach has given me a hammer. I get so excited I do a little happy dance thinking about how much coaching has opened up for me. My coach has encouraged and motivated me to do some things I was too afraid to do, or maybe I was too lazy, I don't know. I had excuse after excuse. Now I'm doing things and making plans for things that make me happy. And I did it all myself. My coach didn't do all the work in between our sessions, I did. During our calls she challenged me, had me look at things from different perspectives, called me out on my bullshit excuses and sometimes found bits and pieces of barriers that were holding me back that I didn't even know were there.

The ripple effect that this has caused is immeasurable. I don't think I am imagining it, but now that I have opened the flood gates to live my own better life, I think people around me see it and are motivated as well. Even if they don't have their own coach they can feel my positive energy. And the best part, is that I believe this is making me a better wife, friend and mommy. For that, I am eternally grateful. 

 

I'm not writing this post because I think you should hire me or my life coach. If you want to, that's great, but my point is STOP TRYING TO GET THE NAIL INTO THE BOARD WITH A FLIP FLOP WHEN YOU CAN USE A HAMMER! And yes, I used all caps because I was yelling. But if you do decide to hire one, please take into consideration the following: 

1. Have sample sessions with several different coaches. They are usually a half hour and almost always free with no obligation. Find the one you click with the most, the one you feel the most energy with and most comfortable with. Listen to your gut instinct. 

2. Look at the coaches credentials. Anyone nowadays can call themselves a life coach. It has become one of my biggest pet peeves when I see or hear it and the person has no formal training. Yes, there is something to be said for true life experience and age old wisdom, but let's face it: no one would trust a "doctor" who never went to medical school just because they had been sick and gotten better a bunch of times. Check out your coaches schooling and in my opinion, stick with someone whose school is accredited with the International Coaching Federation. 

3. Commit. When you're being coached, you can be there, but not really be there. If you don't commit you are wasting your time and money. By having a great life coach you are giving yourself the best gift ever: Your best self. 

Photo courtesy of curly_exp(l)osure

I'm going to be interviewed!

Update: My interview has been moved to Monday, April 13th due to scheduling conflicts. Same time 5 pm PST. 

I am very excited to share with you that on Wednesday, April 8th I will be interviewed by my good friend, Jenny Ferry as a guest expert for her I Thrive Experience tele-seminar series! It's at 5 pm PST. If you can't make the call, a link to the audio will be available and I will post it on my blog. My topic is "Build Real Self-Esteem: Discover Your Inner Beauty & Worth" How cool is that? I'm so excited about this, if I could happy dance and type at the same time I would, but instead I am typing so fast I have to keep going back to correct spelling. 

Breathe, breathe, breathe. Okay. 

As you know, I am passionate about this topic. But first I want to tell you that some things have changed since I last wrote about this workshop. Originally my portion was style/self concept. Yes, I have a background in the fashion industry, but upon deep thinking about this (and getting some great coaching on it) I realized my heart just wasn't in it. I wasn't fired up about talking to girls about fashion and as I worked on my presentation I noticed it kept morphing into something else. I had to admit to myself that I wasn't be authentic if I kept this topic. I could do it, and I think I could do it well, but I felt like I had something more important to say and teach. I talked it over with Jenny and she agreed that my topic should change to self-esteem, self-care and self-worth. Hooray! 

Also, the original plan of a 3 day extravaganza workshop, was shortened to one, action packed day on June 6th. You can bet your bottom dollar it will still be an extravaganza though!  

So please, please sign up for the call if you haven't already! 

Resolutions, Schmesolutions

Ah, January. The time of year where we all get out our pens and write down our resolutions yet again. They talk about it on the news, the gyms are packed, it's as if we all got two new double A batteries loaded into our brains and we're ready to tackle our list!

Wait a minute....what do you mean you're not organized, in shape, done reading all those books, remodeled your kitchen, gotten in touch with lost friends, found a new job, had quality time with your significant other and made scrapbooks of your kids by December???

Because thinking about resolutions or even writing them down on a crisp piece of paper just doesn't cut it, my friend! So, (cracking knuckles), keep reading to find out a better way.

First, acknowledge that conquering a goal is difficult, but not impossible. If it were easy, we would all be endlessly happy and rich to boot. So, don't beat yourself up for past resolutions or goals that you have failed at. We've all been there, even Tony Robbins, (I think. He's human, right?) so move on.

Second, make your list and leave lots of room in between goals. Think about what you want your new year to look like. Where do you want to be 12 months from now? Even if it's the scariest, hairiest goal ever, WRITE IT DOWN! The scarier, the better. Go back and with the space you left, write down the reasons you have not made these goals happen in the past. Then, write down why this goal is important to you. (For example: Resolution- start working out. Reasons I haven't done it- don't have time, too tired, it's boring. Reason it's important- lose weight, live longer, I love spandex.) Lastly in this space, write down HOW you will do it. Be specific! (I want to walk 2 miles in my neighborhood in the mornings twice a week for 2 weeks, then 3 times a week thereafter). Make sure this is attainable and realistic. We've all been taught to "reach for the starts", but sometimes, we gotta start with reaching for the doorknob. Make sure that your goals are measurable. Try to stay away from general statements like, "I want to lose weight". How much weight? And by when? Re-read your list and pick ONE goal at a time to tackle. If you see one where your intuition tells you "that's not going to happen" really think about it. Are you self-sabotaging yourself? Or, is this the one goal that you are ready to be proud of that you finally accomplished it?

Third, and this is where you may need to be a little organized, plan it out. Just writing down, "I will walk twice this week" isn't enough. Plan it in your week. If you have a day planner/organizer/tech gadget figure out when you will have time, and schedule it in. Put it somewhere where you will have to see it.

Everyone is different when it comes to attaining goals. For me, the more people I tell about a goal, the more I strive to attain it. Accountability is a great way to get things accomplished. Life is too short to sit around and just talk about what we want to do. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some goals to write down!!



Photo courtesy of flickr by brownhorse

Ignoring Red Flags

There is something to say about intuition. I think every human being has it, some are more in tune to it than others, but I truly believe that when encountering a bad situation or even a not-so-great person, our intuition tries to tell us. It's like our soul foreshadows the future and is bracing itself for the pain that will come. Intuition is a survival mechanism that we all have.

I have been in two different situations where I have flat out ignored the red flags. And they weren't just waving in front of me either. They were beating over the head shouting, "DANGER, DANGER, GET OUT NOW!" I think there was also a police man frantically trying to direct me into another direction as I drove past, battered and bruised from being hit with the red flags. Of course I am speaking metaphorically here, but the warning signs were so obvious. Literally I remember thinking, "This isn't good. What am I doing?" And I shushed that little voice as fast as I could. The first time after months of the voice speaking to me I finally listened and took action, but the second time it happened was when I really felt kind of stupid.

I always love to learn from the mistakes that I have made and Lord knows, I have made my fair share of them. I add it to the list of lessons, pat myself on the back, move on and tell myself I won't make that same mistake again. But the second time I was seeing these red flags wizz by, I ignored them. Denial is a powerful thing, isn't it? What I learned from that situation was this: The more vulnerable I was in a situation (for example, recently getting your heart broken, losing a job, etc) the more likely I was to ignore the warning signs. You would think it would be the opposite, that I would have been more guarded. But for me, it was like I couldn't stand the thought of being hurt again or being in another bad situation, so if I ignored it maybe it would all just go away. Right?

For the most part, we make decisions based on safety and fear. In some cases, people may may ignore their intuition because they think where they are is safe, where as it may be that they are just comfortable. In my case, I ignored my intuition because I was afraid of another failed relationship. At that particular point in my life I would rather have a bad relationship than no relationship. Come to think of it, I actually thought I was comfortable because I had become so accustomed to being in a codependant relationship, I didn't know what a functional, healthy one looked like.

Thankfully, it only took twice for me to really understand we are our own best friend. And if you do choose to ignore the red flags, look at it like this: Would you not tell your best friend something that you knew would obviously hurt them? I would venture to guess that you would tell them, so think of your intuition warning you is like your best friend whispering in your ear because they care about you.

STRESS

I was listening to a radio show this morning and the DJ's were discussing multitasking. They were talking about their jobs and parenting and how some people are constantly just going going going, always having several things they are doing or going to do at once, never slowing down. Various people were calling in telling their story of all the things they do, like one woman woke up at 4:30 am and instead of just enjoying a quiet morning to herself, she couldn't stand the thought of doing nothing so she went to the grocery store.

It got me thinking about people that can't slow down, perhaps because I struggle with this myself. I think the adrenaline that goes along with stress and too many commitments is like a drug. It becomes an addiction that you just can't stop. You feed on it, and when life slows down, there is a sense of urgency, a need to have more to do. I also think it's a matter of control. There are so many things we can't control in our lives, the more things we can control, the better we feel.

I have struggled for years with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It's a disorder that can cause any stressful situation, however minor, to turn into a full blown panic attack, or if you're lucky, just irrational thinking. The way I describe it is that I will have a stressful thought or worry, then 3 minutes later I am planning my own funeral in my head because I am sure that all of this is going to wind up in some disaster. Thankfully, now those thoughts are few and far between, and I have learned to slow down and try to get peace in my life, and in my mind. Some questions I ask myself when I start to get stressed are:

"What is the worst case scenario if I can't get this done?"
"Will someone be hurt if I can't get this done?"
"If I don't do this am I being lazy, or just nice to myself?"
"What do I need to do to make this easier on myself?"
"Is this really worth stressing over?"

Usually this helps and I can either better organize my thoughts and/or tasks and just slow down.

Who's the judge?

In my life and especially in the somewhat recent past, I have been judged. And I'm not talking the "Oh, how great for Andrea that she is doing so well" I mean the downright dirty, "She is a blah, blah, blah (insert your imagination here)" Granted, the people that said these terrible things were not people that I associate with, nor do they know me at all. And I know that those things are not true. However, when it happened and my core character was slammed, I was so angry...no angry doesn't describe it, I was so infuriated that someone that does not know me could actually form the words out loud to say such hideous and ugly things about me AND that it was below me to defend myself to these people well, you get the picture. I was pretty mad. And the worst part was that I have done it too, to others.

Gross.

So, when it happened to me, boy was that a pivotal moment in my life. Who was I to judge someone else? I don't know their thoughts, their emotions, their struggles. I have not walked a single step in their shoes, nor will I ever, so how on earth can I say what is right or wrong for them?

During one of my weekends at the Coaches Training Institute I had a coaching session where I had to "sit" with these feelings. My homework was to judge others (silently). When I was given this homework assignment I was literally sick to my stomach. My hands started sweating and I told my coach this. He said, "Good. Then obviously you need to do this" That day I had to look at my friends, one by one, people that I had grown so close to and in my mind, judge them. It was awful. However, it was a great exercise because it solidified my core value of not judging others.

We're all human beings doing the best we can in this world. And we all want the same things: To love and to be loved. I would hope we all strive to be good people and to be happy. So when it's all said and done, let's try not to judge others too harshly.

Personal Style

Yesterday I spoke with a friend of mine from the Coaches Training Institute. Jenny Ferry was presenting an opportunity for me to be a part of her workshop, which empowers young 20 something women transitioning into the "real world". As I thought about it, it struck me that I know more about this than being a mom. I've been a mom for a year, but I was a 20 something for 10 years.

What Jenny asked me to be a part of was "Personal Style". Hmmmm....I do have a degree in Fashion Merchandising from Fashion Careers of California College and worked in the fashion industry for several years before I made the switch to Exercise Science. Which made me think about how much my personal style has changed since then. Of coarse we evolve, especially as women. We graduate from college, some get married, some have kids, some change jobs. The way we dress, our hairstyles and make-up change with the ever evolving trends, but does the core of our personal style really change? Personal style goes beyond just how we look. The music we listen to, the way we decorate our homes, even our cars emulate who we really are.

I love watching fashion programs on TV. I love Project Runway, but one that I can't stand is "What Not to Wear". First off, the woman on there, Stacy London, rips people to shreds and makes them feel stupid for the way they dress. Is that anyway to start a new look? Like it's not daunting enough to venture into a new "you", but to tell someone, "You look like you wrapped yourself in grandmas drapes and then she vomited on you!" Ugh! It's too uncomfortable for me to watch. Then, they put them in new outfits and most of the time you can see the uncomfortableness all over the peoples faces. My point is, that you can't fake it. For instance, I love Gwen Stefani's style. She's a musician, a mom, she's hip and cute, a trendsetter by every stretch of the imagination. Can I pull off her style? (Hysterical laughing)....NO! It's just not me. I would be in the back pages of Glamour Magazine's "Fashion Do's and Don'ts" with a black box over my face. The caption would read, "DON'T be a mom from the suburbs and try to pull off someone else's look and think you're cute". And Stacy London would be in the background of the picture pointing and laughing at me with her devil ears and pitchfork.

As I look in my own closet I made a mental inventory of what's there. Plain t-shirts in every color of the rainbow. Cute, well-fitting jeans, some more dressy shirts. Now, the back of my closet is more interesting, however those clothes don't see the light of day too often. It's just not where I am right now. And I'm okay with that. I'm comfortable, myself, put-together and well...a mom. Do I need to wear my Charles David heels and $200 jeans while I pick up chicken off the floor and clean dirty diapers? I'm stylish when I need to be and to me, that's my own Personal Style.

Just be.

A couple months back in one of my coaches training classes we were asked to write down what was important to us. I can't remember the exact exercise, but there I was scribbling a list of this and that. I stopped to think hard about what it was that I wanted and then it hit me. I want to just be.

If you know me, you know that I can be a bit of a spazz. I like to think of it as "dynamically energetic". Sometimes I am in such a hurry to do everything, I totally miss the journey because I am so focused on the destination. Gandhi once said, "There is more to life than increasing its speed" (by the way, that's on my vision board. See below). By slowing down we enable ourselves to truly connect with others, and "be" instead of "do". I think having my son has taught me how to slow down too. This morning I watched him play with a wooden block. He threw it on the floor and watched it scoot across the floor. He crawled over to it, picked it up, inspected it and threw it again. Over and over, for 15 minutes.

So, I crossed out all the things I wrote on that piece of paper and wrote, "Just be." I think I will find that piece of paper and frame it.

No second chance for the lost time

"If in fact we're miserable in the process, what's the point of earning money in the first place?" -Paddi Lund

I wonder how many people are truly miserable in their jobs. Or even just unhappy. As I type this my eyebrows furrow and I am sad for those people. Many people spend more hours per week at their jobs than they do at home and with the people they love. Day in and day out, dragging around at a job that they dislike, or even hate. All for what? Money? Success? Recognition? I heard somewhere that homeless people that have been living that way for a long time actually choose it. (Maybe they have the right idea?)

At any rate, we have no second chance for the lost time.

How much is too much?

As I contemplate taking on another job, I get the familiar feeling of being overwhelmed. How in the world can I take a full load of classes (which includes Organic Chemistry), work part time, have a network marketing gig, manage to squeeze running in there, take care of my one year old son, keep going with my coaching certification, keep the house clean, and attend playgroup?

Perhaps I can turn it around and look at it all as if I am extremely blessed. Blessed to have such a great education, the opportunity to help others, have a beautiful and healthy child, have a healthy body that I can maintain, a roof over my head and wonderful friends to share it all with.

Five minutes ago when I started this post I had no idea where it was going. I sat down at the computer while I have a precious few minutes because my son is napping just to get it all down, all of the things that are weighing on me. And I give myself a pat on the back for shifting my attitude so easily. Anyone can, some more easily than others, and some may need to remind themselves of a better and more positive attitude. But it's possible!