Eight Windows

Inspired again by my dear friend Karen Pery, she has invited her readers to think about their lives. If given the opportunity to have glimpses of your life flash before your eyes, what would you see? She describes 8 windows, from the outside looking into your soul. I tried hard to think about things that were all nice and fluffy. But, honestly, not all my pivotal moments were great. Some yes, but not all. The moments that changed my life, the moments that would flash before my eyes if I was perhaps faced with death? Here is what I would see:

1. Riding my big wheel on the tennis courts when I was 5 years old. The plastic streamers, my royal blue tennies, red and white tube top and dove shorts. No cares in the world. 
2. 20 years old, walking into the recovery room where my dad had just had quadruple bypass surgery. Seeing his scars, seeing him hooked up to machines was too much. I walked out. 
3. Standing in Barnes and Noble. I called my then-husband and the other woman answered. I finally knew for sure. It was over. Walking out and into the parking lot I had my first out-of-body experience. 
4. The moment Jason opened the door the first time we met. We had been talking for weeks on the phone, and I promised myself I would have no expectations when I met him in person. The look of such curiosity on his face was evident. My first thought that I remember so clearly was, "Oh shit. He's cute. I'm in trouble." 
5. My son's birth. Terrified, laying on the surgery table, smelling my burning skin as I was cut open to have him removed from my body. Thinking, "Shouldn't I be happy right now?" And feeling like the worst new mother ever for being furious about the way he was coming into the world. 
6. On my son's first birthday, he woke up from a nap. I got him out of bed and sat down to rock him. He fell back asleep in my arms and I memorized his smell: Baby sweat and sunscreen. It was delicious. 
7. About 30 seconds after my daughter was born, I broke down in tears. Fighting with my obstetrician about how I was going to give birth to her was more than I could handle. I was so happy that she was here, that she was in my arms, that she was healthy and that she was born the way I thought she deserved to be born. 
8. Sitting at my dining room table with my beloved MacBook, writing any post of this blog. Crying, typing the words of the story of my past. Realizing how sad I was at times. And how I used to cope. The girl I was. The woman I've become. And the vulnerability of letting everyone see it. 

I feel like I should say something inspiring right now but I don't have it in me. 

What would you see through your windows? 

100 things I am grateful for

I'm a huge fan of the list of 100. In a previous post I challenged my readers to make a list of 100 things they love about themselves. Today, I was on a walk in this beautiful weather, pushing my 2 beautiful children in the stroller. I was overwhelmed with how blessed my life is and it always seems to get better the more grateful I am for what I have. So, I thought I would share with you my list of 100. And I challenge you to do the same. Having repeats is okay. It shows patterns of what is really important to you.

I'm grateful for:

1. My husband. He has integrity, is loving, patient and is a kind soul. I hit the jackpot.
2. My mom taking me to church when I was little. It shaped my faith.
3. Legs that work. Because I love to run.
4. My husband's secure job.
5. Health insurance.
6. My healthy teeth.
7. Running water. Bathing and brushing my teeth are good things.
8. My dads sobriety. I'm so proud of him.
9. Being able to stay home with my kids.
10. Being recovered from disordered eating and exercise.
11. Knowing my purpose on this earth.
12. My son's birth. I knew he was safe when I had to have him via cesarean section.
13. My daughters birth. Having her vaginally was a magical experience. Yes, I just said "vaginally".
14. My ex husband cheating on me. It made me find my self esteem.
15. My first marriage. I learned so many things about myself and relationships.
16. My relationship with a drug addict. I learned to say goodbye to codependency.
17. Living in San Diego, the most beautiful city in the world. (In my humble opinion).
18. Santa Claus.
19. Having reliable transportation.
20. Date night with my husband. The conversation always inspires me.
21. Music. I am so moved by music.
22. Exercising. It's so worth it.
23. Dancing.
24. Having the guts to stand up for what I believe in.
25. Being literate. Thank you mom, dad and teachers for teaching me to read.
26. Razors. Because I don't like it when my armpits are hairy.
27. Brownies, chocolate chip cookies and cake.
28. Being able to breast feed my children.
29. The clothes in my closet. Sometimes I think I have nothing to wear. I have plenty.
30. My degree in fashion merchandising. It made me realize I wasn't meant to work in the industry.
31. Girl Scouts. I learned so many things and it shaped me today.
32. My daughters toothless grin.
33. The Internet.
34. My dad teaching me the importance of a firm handshake.
35. My parents ability to afford braces for me.
36. Lactation consultants and doulas.
37. My right to free speech.
38. My dad teaching me how to play tennis.
39. Feminists that fight for women's rights
40. Shoes. Like the clothes, I have plenty.
41. The heater in our house.
42. Our home. Sometimes I wish I had more counter space, but we have enough.
43. Volunteering for the Special Olympics.
44. Online support groups. When I was pregnant with my daughter and wanting a VBAC, the ladies on that support group were immensely helpful.
45. Hand-me-downs for my kids.
46. Laundry detergent.
47. Recycling.
48. Facebook. I've reunited with so many important people that I'd lost touch with. And met new ones.
49. The beach.
50. My sense of humor.
51. My fertility. I am so, so grateful to be able to have babies when I wanted them.
52. My physical health.
53. My mental health and stability.
54. Living in a hygienic environment. Sounds strange, but a lot of people don't have this.
55. Modern medicine.
56. God in my life.
57. Entertainment options. I should never be bored.
58. Coffee.
59. Believing in the importance of personal growth and development.
60. The people who will be my clients this year while I go through CTI certification. I don't know who they are yet :)
61. People that read and comment on my blog. It helps to keep me motivated to keep writing.
62. Seatbelts.
63. All the jobs I have had. I've learned so much.
64. My values and core beliefs. Knowing them means I can honor them.
65. Being able to be a stay-at-home-mom.
66. Getting to snuggle with both babies in bed in the morning, watching Sesame Street.
67. Having reliable transportation.
68. Having a fridge and cupboards full of food.
69. Parks.
70. This crummy economy. It's made me realize how much we have.
71. Connecting with incredible people. Human contact.
72. My Beco baby carrier. My daughter practically lives in it.
73. Not having to take medication anymore for anxiety disorder.
74. My therapist.
75. My sister.
76. Pets. Even though we don't have one right now.
77. The fact that I chose my own happiness.
78. Eating dinner as a family.
79. Service to others. Giving back.
80. A comfortable, warm bed.
81. Clean underwear.
82. Being brave enough to stand up against "the bad guys".
83. Having a choice.
84. My education. Eternally grateful for that.
85. Student loans. They suck sometimes, but without them, I couldn't have gone to college.
86. Being in a functional, loving, drama-free,mutually respectful relationship.
87. Bubble baths.
88. My self esteem.
89. Classic 1970's rock.
90. Admitting I'm far from perfect, but doing the best I can.
91. Learning to be myself with ease.
92. Laughter.
93. My family's good health.
94. Access to fresh fruits and vegetables.
95. The ability to dream.
96. The right to vote.
97. Forgiveness.
98. That my life didn't turn out as I expected it to.
99. The fact that I was born in this amazing free country.
100. My life.

Photo courtesy of Malu Green

Old posts revisited

One of my favorite sites, Girl, Get Strong has posted 2 of my old blog posts recently. You can read, "Sweet Revenge....or is it?" here, and "Every party has a pooper, that's why we invited you" here.

My relationship with a drug addict

In my post about how I got over my divorce I talked about how I began dating too soon. I think that bit of advice deserves it's own post because of the catastrophic mistakes I make at choosing my dates when I made the decision to date right after my ex of 13 years and I split. If you read the whole post, I'll share what I learned at the end. 

At first I dated guys that were nice and normal, but in my crazy mind, I wasn't ready to date anyone normal just yet. I wasn't recovered (or sane for that matter) from my break up with my ex, so a few months later I walked away from the nice and normal guys and met someone just as crazy and codependent as I was. I believe in the Universal Law of Attraction, that what you put out into the universe is what you get back. So, in the mindset I was in right after I split from my ex husband, I attracted exactly what I felt, but of course at that time I didn't know it. 

I met Jack* online. He emailed me and at first I wasn't all that interested in meeting him, but he was persistent and I guess I was a sucker for persistence. I actually cancelled our first date (maybe the universe was already trying to warn me), but we ended up going out the following week. I don't know if it was the wine, the expensive restaurant or the lines he was feeding me, but I chalked it up to the best first date I had ever had. Not that I had had that many up until then, but I was drawn into his intensity.  

He told me he loved me within 2 weeks of us dating, although I didn't say it back for a while. He wanted to spend every second with me and I ate it all up. I spent 13 years chasing love from one man, and here was a man giving me all the love I ever wanted. I was enamored. 

Then Jack told me he had cancer. I was devastated. I decided to stay in the relationship even though he may be terminal. The months past and Jack lost more and more weight, I spent many sleepless nights nursing him back to health through vomiting, night sweats and physical agony. 

He quit his job and lost his health insurance. He was at odds with his family so he couldn't ask them for help. What was strange was that he had no friends except for the new friends he had met in his building. He said he had lost touch with them because they turned their backs on him. I never questioned it. 

He began relying on me more and more financially. He found out he could get his cancer medication in Mexico and since we were so close, we went down there almost every weekend. We went to the same pharmacy every time and I would wait outside. On two occasions he was so sick he asked me to make the trip alone. I didn't even need to talk to the men working at the pharmacy, they recognized me and gave me the medication. One time it went fine, the second time not so well. Jack had told me to meet a man that we always said hi to that worked at a bar and he would have it. I couldn't find him and it was getting dark. I asked another man if he knew where he was and he began approaching me, speaking Spanish. Suddenly I was surrounded by 5 or 6 men and alarms are going off my head saying, "GET OUT NOW!" so I ran all the way back to the border crossing. I called Jack to tell him what happened and he told me to go back, that I had to get his medication. I told him I don't have to do anything, and that my life was in danger. That was probably clue number 26 that something wasn't right. I ignored that one too. 

I started to get more and more suspicious about Jack. I spent one night in the ER with him and a doctor pulled me aside. He asked me if my boyfriend had a history of drug abuse; more specifically prescription pills such as Vicodin and Oxycontin. I felt so stupid at that moment. I knew what was happening and hated the person I had become.  I had been in complete denial all along. 

About a week later I confronted Jack about his addiction. He admitted to it all, admitted that he was severely addicted to both Vicodin and Oxycontin and said he would seek treatment on his own. I knew I wanted to end the relationship but needed to hand him over to his family. I still cared about him and did want to see him get better. I called his aunt whom I had never met. I told her about his addiction and she said the family knew but thought he was better since he had been with me. I told her I thought it had really gotten bad when he was diagnosed with cancer. She said to me, "Oh honey....he doesn't have cancer. And you're not the first girl he's lied to about that." 

I felt like the biggest idiot on the planet. I had my suspicions about his cancer, but I never thought someone could be so cold as to lie about something like that. The weight loss- drug addiction. The vomiting, night sweats, muscle pain- withdrawals.  All the trips to Mexico- Vicodin or Oxy. I got him on a plane to see his family, they had an intervention (I was there) and he went away to rehab. I went to see him during family week where he manipulated me more. He met another woman in rehab, fell "in love" with her and moved to Florida. In the end he ended up conning me out of almost $8,000 (which thankfully his mother paid me back) in about 9 months. 

My purpose for this blog post is two-fold; first to share how easy it is to make bad decisions in relationships during times when we are vulnerable. I hadn't healed from the first relationship I was hurt in, I hadn't even picked myself up off the ground yet so it's no surprise that I got hurt again. I didn't know who I was, what I needed or what I wanted. I didn't love myself yet either. I also have really beaten myself up about this. I kept telling myself I should have been smarter, been more careful and was very embarrassed about the whole thing. But I have learned to give myself a break. I learned a huge lesson from this. And if this had never happened, I probably would have never met my current husband. 

Secondly, I wanted to share part of my journal that I just found which I thought was interesting, because it shows my progress in becoming me again. The fog was clearing and I was finally starting to "get it". When he went away to rehab I wrote,  "He does not dictate my self worth or anything that has to do with who I am as a person. He chooses his own reality and makes his own decisions, not me. It’s not my job; it’s his for the rest of his life. Only I can dictate my own happiness and positive self esteem and I am happy about that. In the past, relying on others for it was unrealistic, unhealthy and fake. I make my own reality."

I wish I could go back in time and high-five myself for writing this and believing it. I was finally starting to understand that I had relied on other people (mostly men) to make me happy. I could almost hear Dr. Phil asking, "And how's that working for you?" Ummm, not so well. But it took that for me to figure it all out. 

Photo courtesy of John and Keturah

Are we ever truly "over it"?

I like to say that I am now happily married and at the same time happily divorced. I’ve come to the realization that my ex-husband and I were never meant to be together forever. We grew apart in our 20’s and instead of breaking up to fix it, we got married instead. We were both in denial and I think we both thought marriage would help us. It didn’t. But I learned a tremendous amount and I know for a fact that my current marriage would not be as successful as it is without my past relationship. So I have no regrets. 

I had a coaching session with Larry Laprade and while I can’t remember the exact topic I brought to him for coaching, but during the session I expressed my frustration that my past was still effecting me in certain areas in my life. Not that I still love my ex husband or wish I was never divorced, but that in general I’m angry that I still get angry about the whole ordeal. I asked him, “Shouldn’t I be over it by now? And if I’m not, what does that mean?” 

Larry asked me to back up for a moment and answer this: What does being “over it” mean? More specifically, what is the criteria? (Don’t you just love coaching questions?) 

For me, in this particular situation, I suppose being over it means that I never think about it, or if it briefly must cross my mind for whatever reason, I don’t care. At all. My past relationship does not effect me in any way, shape or form.  If I can do that, I am truly over it. Reading what I just wrote makes me think that in order to do this I must be a robot. 

I was also asked about my anger towards the situation and what it means to have an emotion about someone else. Does it mean that we still care? That we still love that person? I guess not necessarily. It's just an emotion, but it doesn't define anything. Often times we confuse feelings with emotions. Larry said there's not a rule that says you can't have emotions about a past event or person. It's not the same thing as having feelings towards this person. I sat with that for a little while and felt better about it. He also emphasized that denying these feelings makes us tense, which is what I had been doing. I felt like if I had any feeling at all about my past relationship, positive or negative, that I was disrespecting my current marriage. Larry made me realize this wasn't the case. 

I don't believe it's possible to spend a significant amount of time with someone, split up (for whatever reason) and not have that relationship effect you in some way or another. Not necessarily the person, but the relationship. I think where the mistake is made is thinking you are disrespecting your new relationship by having these thoughts. I would not be where I am today without my past relationships. Especially the 13 year relationship I had from when I was 17 to 30. Sadly, divorce is so common and I think that many long term relationships are like a divorce when they end. Instead of despising the person we are no longer with, regretting time spent with them or pretending we don't care at all, try spinning it into a more positive way. For me, I am thankful for all the things I learned in my past. I have some great memories. I have also found who I am because of this relationship. But most importantly; I appreciate my husband now so much more than I would had I not had that past relationship. I suppose that's the reason I am not "over it". 

Perhaps we put too much emphasis on the term. I'm not sure. But I would love to hear your comments! 

Photo courtesy of Segozyme.

Sweet Revenge

Sometimes I think revenge is about as natural as childbirth. Everyone has felt it, I think even Gandhi must have had feelings of revenge against someone that had wronged him although he never in his right mind acted on them. But I think it’s our natural defensive instinct as humans to want to get revenge on someone that has hurt us. Maybe not everyone thinks (or acts out) physically or verbally hurting the other person, but at least wishes bad things upon that person.

When I got divorced a few years ago, I had many feelings of wanting revenge because my ex husband had been unfaithful to me. I tried my best to be adult about it even while people told me they would have run over him in their car. But one day I lost it, and while I won’t go into too much detail, I’ll just say it involved scissors and his clothing. And it was more creative than just cutting it up. As I was doing it, I knew I had gone a little bit crazy because of the sheer satisfaction I was getting out of it.

I think another aspect of the energy someone must create when they are angry enough to want to get revenge on someone is that many times their own happiness is determined by the happiness (or misery) of the person that hurt them. For me, for months I loved hearing stories of how miserable my ex was. Quickly I realized how dysfunctional this was and just avoided hearing about him all together. It wasn’t until I forgave him that I didn’t care about him or getting revenge anymore.

Which brings me to forgiveness. I have always struggled with this, as most people do I believe. I don't know how the Amish do it so easily, perhaps it's embedded in their DNA. Going through what I have been through has taught me many lessons, one of them was this: What happened to me had nothing to do with me directly. In other words, I wasn't cheated on because I was a bad person, or because I wasn't pretty enough or skinny enough (all thoughts that I assumed were true reasons). My marriage didn't end because I wasn't good at being married. Something painful happened to me, but not because of me. During my whole ordeal, the woman that my ex husband cheated on me with hated me and made sure I knew it. I couldn't understand why because I wasn't the one that had hurt her, he had. Regardless of her reasoning, I remember thinking of something that I had once heard about anger: Holding onto anger at someone is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. I felt bad for her for a while and then realized I was doing the same thing. It was then that I forgave my ex for hurting me. Being angry was serving me no purpose. It wasn't going to make it go away, make him right his wrongs, make him unhappy or do anything except hurt me more. So I let it go. And it really was easier than I expected. It was then that all the growth and lessons started to surface and I was able to move on.

Photo courtesy of flickr.com from Patricio Marin

How I got through (and over) my divorce

With millions of people getting divorced every year, I thought it would be appropriate to write about my own. I realized I mention it sometimes in my blog posts and upon noticing this it sort of bothered me, but when I think about it, it really has shaped me into the great person I am today. I've been really excited about my life lately and where it's going and the healthy, functional relationship I'm in now with my current husband couldn't be possible without having gone through the rough and heartbreaking time I had when I got divorced.

A brief background on what happened:

I was with my ex husband for 10 years before we got married, since I was 17 years old. I don't think he ever really wanted to marry me, but he didn't want to lose me either, so I think he chose the less painful path for him. Two years into the marriage as we began talking about having our first child, he began an extra marital affair. I had no idea until a few months later when I began to speculate, but several attempts to confront him turned up nothing. This went on for several months until I moved out and we separated. I hoped we could fix the marriage and he seemed willing as well. About a month after that the decision was made for me when I found out the truth, and a few weeks after that I learned that his girlfriend was pregnant with his child.

At that point I was 30 years old and we had been together for 13 years. I was really at my lowest of lows. I was convinced that there was no possible way I was going to heal from this and thought of myself as "damaged goods". My self esteem was in the toilet. I lost my faith in marriage and love itself. I thought over and over again, "Does ANYONE live happily ever after anymore?"

Before I could even think of living happily ever after with someone else, I had to live happily ever after with myself. After I picked myself up off the ground (actually, more like dug myself out of a deep hole full of crap) I started making plans about how I was going to heal. I'll be honest; part of it was needing to prove to my ex that I wasn't going to hold a candle for him and want him back (which I didn't anyway). I wouldn't let him or anyone else think I could let this take over me and cause permanent damage. I vowed I would become a kick-ass woman, better than ever! I never realized just how powerful that message to myself became.

I compiled a list of things I did to heal and get over him and the event (note: those are two totally separate things to get over. I found it MUCH easier to get over him rather than what happened). They are in no particular order:

1. Therapy
Luckily, I already had a great therapist who happened to be the same therapist I went to couples counseling with my ex. I saw her at least once a week or every other week. In her office I was allowed to be as vulnerable as I needed without judgement and say things I may be embarrassed to tell anyone else.

2. Telling my story
I can't count how many times I have told the story. The first few times it was like I was telling it about someone else because I was still in shock that I was in that situation. Very soon I learned that I was not alone, and that many women could relate. Quickly it became less about gossiping, and more about healing. I went to a workshop about 4 months after my ex and I had split and the woman running it confronted me and very firmly told me to stop telling my story, saying that I was giving my power up to him. At first I believed her, but soon after thought that was the worst advice I had ever heard. I was actually giving myself power by hearing the words come out of my mouth and slowly figuring out how and why it all fell apart. How was I supposed to learn anything by keeping my mouth shut? The more I shared my story, the more my growth and development flourished. 

3. Faith
A few weeks before I decided to move out and separate from my husband I was walking through the campus at CSUSM toward the parking lot. An old man stopped me and as he approached I thought he was going to ask me for directions. He said, "Who is Jesus Christ to you?" I replied with no hesitation, "He's my Lord and Savior". I almost had to turn around and look over my shoulder to see if that answer had come from someone else. I hadn't been to church since 8th grade and prayed maybe a dozen times since then. But the answer came out of my mouth like I was saying my own name. He smiled and gave me a flyer for his church and walked away. As I walked down to my car tears streamed down my face. I knew where I had to go. As I pulled into the parking lot of the church I grew up going to I didn't know exactly why I was there. I asked for Pastor Borgie and the church secretary showed me to his office. He said he remebered me and asked me why I was there. I broke down in uncontrollable sobs and told him. "Please don't think I'm crazy, I'm not on drugs, really!" That's all I could come up with. He handed me kleenex and said, "Andrea, everyone is born with a hole in their heart. All our lives we try to fill it up with things like money, food, sex, alcohol and whatever else. If you fill it with God, everything will work out."

4. Exercise 

Did I just hear a collective groan? Really, exercise helped me tremendously. My exercise of choice was running (still is) and I ran my heart out. I ran and imagined myself running away from my problems (which is obviously impossible, but it was great motivation), I ran to be somewhere else. I put my headphones on and listened to sometimes angry music (Alanis Morisette's "You Oughta Know" and Nine Inch Nails "Hand that Feeds You") or sometimes inspirational music (Natasha Bedingfield's "Unwritten" or Kelly Clarkson's "Walk Away") Sometimes I would run so fast and so hard I felt like my heart would explode out of my chest. But what exercise did for me was 1) Gave me something to do to fill time, 2) Gave me confidence mentally and physically and 3) Cleared my head and Lord knows I needed all the help I could get in that department. 

5. Family and Friends/Filled my calender 

Very soon after the big event I was sitting alone in my studio apartment with my cat and a bottle of wine. I realized If this continued I would end up crying every night and slowly turn into a Bridget Jones movie without the humor and British accent. So, I picked up the phone, grabbed my planner and called all of my friends. I made plans for as many nights as I could. Looking back, this was probably one of the most helpful things that I did. Everyone was more than willing to see me and spend time with me. It got me out of my apartment and took my mind off things. Time passed quicker. 

6. Journaling

I had started journaling when I suspected my husband was cheating, so I just continued. I got all of my crazy thoughts, typed in all caps, wrote him scathingly hateful letters (which never got sent), and basically poured my heart and soul out. When I couldn't call him to scream at him, I would take it out on my keyboard and start typing.  When I felt like I was falling apart, I would write. It was password protected because even in death I don't want anyone to see it. What was most helpful was looking back at what I was feeling and seeing my own healing progress. It gave me hope that things could get even better. 

7. Creating a Vision Board

This came later in my healing, after I realized I was worthy (and ready) for a better relationship. I developed "the attitude of gratitude" and wrote down 10 things I was grateful for. It was actually easier to come up with than I thought it would be.  I then drew a picture of what I wanted my life to look like. It was simple (I'm no artist, it was basically stick figures).  I had to come to terms with the fact that it may take a long time until I met someone great, but I knew exactly what I wanted him to be like. My vision board told his story; he had integrity. A month later, I met him. 

8. Reading self help books

My therapist recommended a couple, but one that I "accidentally" found at a book store helped me the most. Welcome to Your Crisis by Laura Day helped me realize my situation was an invitation for a new life. Private Lies by Frank Pittman talks about the reasons spouses cheat. I didn't focus too much on reading about infidelity and broken marriages because for me, I knew it was over. I read books that helped me become a better person. I also read two books on codependency and later found out I was what is know as a "love addict" and read Pia Mellody's Facing Love Addiction (which by the way, if you're codependent, there's a good chance you're a love addict). This particular book spoke volumes to me. It was one of those books where I thought she was writing a biography of my life. After every other page my jaw fell open and I furiously took notes and said out loud, "Oh my GOD!" It was shocking how much of a love addict I was in that relationship and I am forever grateful that I found out so I could fix it. 

9. Online support

I never thought this would help, but it did. I found a divorce support group on ivillage. On their discussion boards I found a group of women all going through their own divorce. Some were victims of infidelity, others had different stories. But it was a place where I could be anonymous and vent, complain, get advice and just have sincere support. I was amazed at the genuine encouragement and friendships that were developed there. Sometimes it was difficult because my friends, although loving, caring and supportive, couldn't relate because none of them had ever been in my situation. There on my online support group I had a sense of comradery that was greatly needed. 

10. Blogging

Honestly, writing this blog has helped a lot. It's helped me organize and put on paper what I've learned. I had to come to terms with the fact that that relationship is a big part of my past and a big part of who I am. Blogging has helped. It's allowed me to use it as an avenue not of complaint, but of gratitude for the learning. If you're thinking about doing it, but aren't sure if you want other people reading about it, remember you can always make your blog private, invite people to read it by email only or publish it later when you're ready. 

11. Screaming in my car

Okay, so I left the most lunatic sounding one for last. Yes, I screamed as loud as I could in my car. I felt it was the only place no one would hear me. I screamed so loud I would lose my voice. I would scream obscenities at my ex husband. If anyone did hear me I probably would have been committed, but I needed to do it, so I did. 

Those are the things that did help. I think it's important to point out something that didn't: dating too soon. I convinced myself (and the guys I dated) that enough time had passed (2 months!) and I was ready. Ummm, yeah, what was I thinking? This was way too soon after a 13 year relationship that ended traumatically for me to think I could give myself to someone else. I needed more time. Looking back, I really enjoyed the time I had my little studio apartment by the beach, just me and my cat. I was terrified, but so alive. By dating too soon I feel like I took the hard way to learn who I was and hurt some people along the way. 

It took me a long time to get where I am today. It wasn't easy. It was the hardest thing I've ever faced in my life. I never thought I would end up a statistic but I did. My heart goes out to anyone going through a divorce, weather you wanted it or not. There are so many different emotions involved. 

If you get nothing else from this post, please believe if you are going through this or have in the past, a divorce is an opportunity for growth and development. Once the fog clears, pick yourself up and make it your mission to have a kick ass life. It's your choice. 

Photo courtesy of Shane2D

Every party has a pooper, that's why we invited you

On many occasions I have been the guest of honor at my own pity party. Have you? Kids can be the best at this: the dramatic crossing of the arms and shouting, "It's just not fair!!!", stomping around and sulking. (Okay, I admit, I'm 33 years old and every once in a while I put on this show.) I remember my 5th grade teacher, Mr Millar, responding when one of us in his class said that. His response was, "Life isn't fair. Get used to it." I remember that statement so well, and being somewhat afraid. Up until then, at 9 years old life had been pretty great for me and to hear a grown up say that life wasn't fair? What in the heck was I in for?

But let's face it, sometimes life isn't fair. Curve balls come at us all the time. People right and left are losing their jobs and their homes, that's enough to throw yourself a pity party soiree. I think many times feeling sorry for ourselves is reasonable and necessary, but only temporarily. I have found that if I don't own the feelings and emotions of feeling sorry for myself when something really bad happens and just put on the "I'm fine" face, the feelings fester like last weeks garbage. And we all know how that smells. I advise taking some time to embrace and process it. Don't feel guilty or ashamed and by all means don't judge yourself. Feel bad and move on as best you can.

Sometimes it's much easier said than done. For me, when I realize I'm feeling sorry for myself and it's gone on long enough I tell myself to get an attitude adjustment. I think I am echoing my mother's words repeated to me when I was about 13 or so. But at any rate, it works for me. If it doesn't I have to stop and ask myself:

What is this serving me?
Is there someone I need to talk to about this (ie did someone hurt my feelings)?
How much longer do I need to dwell on this?
Is this really what I'm upset about, or is it something else?

The first question is for me the most powerful: What is this serving me? What good is this doing for me and possibly others? Almost every time the answer is nothing, so knowing that allows me to move on.

I'll give you an example of how feeling sorry for myself ended up affecting my whole life. In my previous marriage there were times (lengthy ones) where I was completely unhappy. I felt so sorry for myself and helpless that I ended up carrying around an attitude that others saw. My ex husband told me that certain people thought I didn't like them, which really wasn't the case. My attitude was so pitiful that my "poor me" feelings on the inside came out on the outside. I'm grateful for the learning experience.


Photo courtesy of flickr.com from bankgrrl

My Old Ghost

Last Friday I went to the American Council on Exercise, a place where I worked from January 2006 to November of that same year. I had to pick up a book for school, show off my son and have lunch with an old co-worker. Although I only worked there just under a year, it was by far my favorite place of employment. The people there were great, I still maintain friendships there and the organization itself is just amazing.

Now, I'm pretty sure anyone can relate to being anywhere from their past and old feelings come up, good or bad, or even music can bring up past memories. For me, when I hear "Sister Golden Hair" by America I instantly get goosebumps and think of being a little kid, being in the old Dodge Van with my parents and can even smell the carpet from that van. Or the smell of Ponds Face cream always makes me think of my mom. It's like these things are linked up and can never be broken from our brains.

I haven't stepped foot in that office since my last day there, over 2 years ago. Before I went, I hadn't even thought about that, or what might happen when I got there. But let me back up for a moment. When I first started there, I had just moved out and separated from my first husband. I was in school full time and had to get a job to support myself and pay for my apartment. I immediately loved the job and the people there, but couldn't get away from my personal problems. It was pretty obvious I was going through a tough time and a little embarrassing as well. As the months progressed my friendships got tighter, but my life fell apart more and more. I discovered my husbands infidelities, and the drama that surrounded that ensued. I was served divorce papers at work that summer. I had also started a relationship with someone that was intense and drama filled from the get-go. I remember going into the bathroom at least twice a week, sometimes every day to go into a stall and cry. I was a mess. My personal life was a disaster, but I loved the people and the job, which kept me sane. I left the job because the person I was in a relationship with talked me into moving up to the bay area, so I quit. A month later after we broke up they had already filled my position, so I couldn't come back.

I guess I had forgotten that the entire time I worked there I was in a monumental life changing place in life. When I look back at my time at ACE, I remember the people, not how I felt in my heart. But when I pulled into the parking lot on Friday....it all came back like a tornado. My eyes fell on the front doors of the building and the parking lot and I immediately said out loud, "oh...my....God". I could vividly remember having screaming arguments on the phone with my ex-husband, being so angry my whole body shook, thinking even though I was outside, my co-workers might still be able to hear me, and knowing I had to wrap it up in a couple minutes and go back inside to be a professional. I quickly pushed it from my memory and went inside. Walking through the halls of the building I passed by the bathroom where I used to go to cry. I literally felt like I walked past my old ghost at that moment. There she was, dressed in her perfect outfit from the Banana Republic, looking gaunt and lost. She was sad and confused. She was a completely different person than I am today. It made me very uncomfortable to be there for a few minutes. I could feel all the tension I felt once before, as if I had left unfinished business there and it re-entered my body.

I went to lunch with my friend and was planning on going back in to visit a few more people. But as I sat in the parking lot, I really just wanted to leave. As the day went on I couldn't stop thinking about how I felt and what a strange, physical and emotional experience that was. But, I'm grateful it happened. It reminded me of how far I have come and how much I have grown. At one point I was in a place where I only had a tiny sliver of hope at best that things would get better. I couldn't fathom "take it day by day", so I chose to take it "hour by hour". I made a choice to love myself when I felt that no one else did and that is what carried me. That, and a yellow post-it that was on my bathroom mirror that read, "When you are down to nothing, God is up to something". I've said it before in previous posts, that I had to go through all the grief and turmoil to get to the much better and healthy place I am in. And for that, I say "thank you" to my old ghost.

Ignoring Red Flags

There is something to say about intuition. I think every human being has it, some are more in tune to it than others, but I truly believe that when encountering a bad situation or even a not-so-great person, our intuition tries to tell us. It's like our soul foreshadows the future and is bracing itself for the pain that will come. Intuition is a survival mechanism that we all have.

I have been in two different situations where I have flat out ignored the red flags. And they weren't just waving in front of me either. They were beating over the head shouting, "DANGER, DANGER, GET OUT NOW!" I think there was also a police man frantically trying to direct me into another direction as I drove past, battered and bruised from being hit with the red flags. Of course I am speaking metaphorically here, but the warning signs were so obvious. Literally I remember thinking, "This isn't good. What am I doing?" And I shushed that little voice as fast as I could. The first time after months of the voice speaking to me I finally listened and took action, but the second time it happened was when I really felt kind of stupid.

I always love to learn from the mistakes that I have made and Lord knows, I have made my fair share of them. I add it to the list of lessons, pat myself on the back, move on and tell myself I won't make that same mistake again. But the second time I was seeing these red flags wizz by, I ignored them. Denial is a powerful thing, isn't it? What I learned from that situation was this: The more vulnerable I was in a situation (for example, recently getting your heart broken, losing a job, etc) the more likely I was to ignore the warning signs. You would think it would be the opposite, that I would have been more guarded. But for me, it was like I couldn't stand the thought of being hurt again or being in another bad situation, so if I ignored it maybe it would all just go away. Right?

For the most part, we make decisions based on safety and fear. In some cases, people may may ignore their intuition because they think where they are is safe, where as it may be that they are just comfortable. In my case, I ignored my intuition because I was afraid of another failed relationship. At that particular point in my life I would rather have a bad relationship than no relationship. Come to think of it, I actually thought I was comfortable because I had become so accustomed to being in a codependant relationship, I didn't know what a functional, healthy one looked like.

Thankfully, it only took twice for me to really understand we are our own best friend. And if you do choose to ignore the red flags, look at it like this: Would you not tell your best friend something that you knew would obviously hurt them? I would venture to guess that you would tell them, so think of your intuition warning you is like your best friend whispering in your ear because they care about you.

Crisis = Rebirth

Recently I have been reading the book, "Welcome to Your Crisis". I bought it when I went through my divorce, but actually just started reading it about a year ago (I know, it's been a long process getting through it), but only halfway through it, I have learned so much about how important crisis are to us and shaping who we are.

A few hours before I found out that my marriage was truly over, I went for a run in Carlsbad. There are some cliffs that have a breathtaking view of the beach and the ocean and I had ran by that spot many times. Something made me stop and stand to look out over the cliffs. It was February and it was unusually warm. There was a song that was hugely popular at that time called "Unwritten" by Natasha Bettingfield. It happened to be playing on my ipod at that moment. As I listened to the lyrics and looked out at the vast Pacific ocean in front of me, taking in the breeze and the warm sun on my face I couldn't help but think these words were meant for me:

"I am unwritten
Can't read my mind, I'm undefined

I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand, ending unplanned"

There was so much uncertainty for me at that time, for the first time in 13 years I was really uncertain as to which direction I was going to go in. For months I had been struggling whether or not to stay in my marriage. But for some reason, I knew that no matter what, no matter how long the journey ahead of me was going to be, no matter how much of an uphill battle it was, I was going to be okay. Standing there looking out ahead of me, knowing that I had so much more to look forward to in my life. I was lucky enough to be re-born. I outgrew my old life, it was time for me to move on to something better. The moment didn't last long.

A few hours later my whole life changed. A single phone call made the decision that for months I had been struggling to make. Now, I won't sit here and tell you that I just skipped off smiling to the tune of my favorite song and all was well. No, far be it from that. My whole comfortable world was not just turned upside down, it was taken away. Within minutes I was a different person not only to myself, but to others as well.

It's only been 2 years since this event. Sometimes I feel like it's been much longer, I've come so far and that time seems like a distant memory. Then other times I feel like it's still fresh. For a while I tried to pretend that that painful part of my life was all over, and it had no effect on me whatsoever. It was the past, period. But, truthfully, I can't deny that it shaped who I am today, typing these words. There is no question that I have become a better person because of this. I have learned so much and for me, it just happened to be a very dramatic way to figure all these things out. Apparently, a dramatic end was what it took for me to move on. Sometimes I wish that it didn't have to be so painful, but in reality, I'm glad it happened to me. 2 years ago I would have never said that, I literally thought I could die from the pain I was in. But that crisis allowed me to start over, to be reborn as whatever I wanted to be. I had complete control of the new person I was about to become. After a few months of shock, grieving, confusion and resistance to change, I finally realized that I couldn't move on unless I really looked at this experience as a blessing. I was given a gift. Sure, it wasn't wrapped up with a pretty bow, but it was a gift nonetheless. One of significant value for my future self. Yes, I was terrified having to start all over at 30 years old, but lucky for me, I was only 30 years old!

On a side note: It's funny....when I first decided to be a life coach in 2003 I remember thinking, "Gosh, I don't know if I would be able to relate to some people that are going through rough times in their life. I don't have that kind of life experience" Be careful what you wish for! Perhaps that was a self-fulfilling prophesy of sorts.

Laura Day, author of the book, talks about crisis leading to rebirth and compares it to a baby growing in a womb. The baby grows and grows in it's comfortable environment, then there comes a time when the baby has outgrown it's home, needs to be born for it's own survival into a new environment. I look at my experience as such. I grew as a person and needed to move on to be who I was meant to be. Maybe that's why babies cry when they're born, because they are upset about leaving their comfortable place they have grown to love and maybe it hurts a little to be born. They eventually get used to their new place and really don't even remember that old place anymore. Crisis is the same way. So the next time you are facing a crisis right in the eyes, maybe even for a moment look at it like a blank page in front of you, and you have the pen in your hand. Start writing!

What my 20’s meant to me: Relationships

Since I have been asked to be a speaker at the Crest of your Life Workshops, it's got me thinking a lot about what I learned in my 20's. Twenty something. What an immense time of growth. What sticks out in my mind the most is that I was in a relationship with the same person for my entire 20’s. That story didn’t end well, but it had a lot of chapters. Some great, some bad, with lots of suspense and drama lurking around every corner.

What did I learn? A LOT! I learned that I can’t look to someone else to esteem me. (What a big job that is for someone else to take on, isn't it?). And I shouldn’t want to give it away. It is precious and all mine. Forever!

I learned to respect myself because many times others won’t. And, just as important, them not respecting me really didn't have anything to do with me. It's their stuff, not mine.

I learned that relationships shouldn’t always be exciting. Drama all the time is not a good thing! Don’t get used to it, because when you do, when things get good, you may end up sabotaging functional relationships to feed on drama. I remember thinking, "I can't stand that girl who just thrives on drama." and sadly, I WAS that girl! I'm not sure where along the way I got comfortable being uncomfortable, but it happened without me noticing.

I learned that you will get back what you put out. After the breakup of my 13 year relationship, I was so hurt and bitter. I would never admit it, but I was. Much too early to be in a new relationship, I entered one quickly, and fell flat on my face "in love". That 8 month relationship turned out to be the most toxic, co-dependant relationship I have ever had. And even while I was in it and knew it was bad, I would have rather been in a bad relationship than no relationship. So, my point is, that I got back EXACTLY what I had put out into the universe. I was sad, bitter, angry, mistrusting and hurt. And I got back a relationship that was sad, bitter, angry, mistrusting and hurt. Imagine that!

It took me until I was 32 to realize what I truly deserved. I always knew that I deserved a great man and a mutually respectful relationship, but I was always in love with what the man or relationship "could be if". "Could be if" never loved me back. I waited, and waited, but it never happened. So when I realized what I truly deserved, and truly believed, not just told myself, but truly believed that I was worthy of it, it happened. And I married him, and he is truly wonderful. And the relationship has mutual respect, is functional, stable and carries the values that we both honor. It was all worth the wait and the journey.