Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts

The Worst Mother in the World

This blog is supposed to be all about empowering women, to lead their best lives. I try my best to make the best out of everything, to put a positive spin on things, to talk about my struggles and how I overcame them. It brings me great joy to know that someone reading might take my words and have a little hope.

But, this post isn't about that.

I recently told my coach that motherhood has forced me to dig to the deepest parts of me to find the most patience I have. I have dug, and dug and dug. And there isn't any left. I'm all out. I have hit slammed into a wall recently and am wondering when the "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" statement will be flung at me like monkeys throwing poo at the zoo. Which by the way, I don't even want to get into complaining about how much poop I've been dealing with on a literal standpoint in this house.

So, what is this post about? Well, I understand that you, reading this, are not the complaint department. But, I'd like to confess that my gremlin has got the best of me lately. And she's hit be below the belt, right in the uterus. She's laughing hysterically and pointing and saying,


You are the worst mother in the world. 

In the world of, "Keep it together, lady. Don't let them see you sweat, or cry, or fly off the handle," it's next to impossible for me. When my 3 year old son gets in my face and screams, "NOOOOOOOO!" at the top of his lungs I think, "Does this child hate me? This beautiful boy that has my heart in his hands?" And when my 11 month old daughter clings to me and cries when I drop her off at daycare for the 4 hours that she will be away from me 3 times a week, I think, "For pete's sake, she's still nursing! How could I leave her?" 

You are the worst mother in the world.

I mean really, it's the only possible explanation. 

I don't think I ever knew pain until I experienced mommy guilt. No one tells you before you have kids that it's a package deal. No one tells you that the pain of mommy guilt will wreck you from the inside out. I spent all that time before I had kids with my head in the clouds thinking motherhood is about hearts and rainbows. 

Again, 

You are the worst mother in the world.

I type all these words and think, "You know there are people out there that can't have kids. That would give their right arm to have them, all of it, guilt and all." 

So, yet again, 

You are the worst mother in the world.

But, I'm human. And I'm having a really, really hard time. 

One of my favorite scenes from the movie, "Forrest Gump", Forrest is running when a reporter approaches him. Forrest runs through dog shit: 
Reporter: Man! You just ran through a big pile of dog shit! 
Forrest: It happens. 
Reporter: What? Shit? 
Forrest: Sometimes......


Old Memories

So, I'm training for a triathlon. A sprint distance, nothing crazy. Since I've been recovered from disordered eating and exercise, I've kept my love of running, but one thing has changed; I only run outside. I don't think this was a completely conscious choice, but since I've had kids, I have to bring them running, and I can't exactly push them on the treadmill in their stroller, and I've discovered I really love to run outside.

On Sunday I went to the gym for the first time in a long time. I did an easy swim, quickly changed and got on the treadmill. Plugged my ipod in, pushed all the buttons and started running.

And all the memories came back. Like a Mack truck.

The smell of the gym, the people there, the sound of the treadmill. The digital time ticking, telling me how much time has elapsed, how many miles I have run, and of coarse, how many calories I have burned. I would race the clock to see if I could make a certain distance before the time got there. Or, I would run until I burned x amount of imaginary calories. I wonder if that ever made my happy.

On Sunday I ran for only 20 minutes, but in that time I thought about how I used to be when I was on the treadmill. Thinking obsessing about calories, wondering how much more distance I could take, hoping my legs wouldn't buckle out from under me. Trying to ignore the hungry feeling in my stomach. And on and on. And thinking.....that was normal.

After the 20 minutes was up, I stopped. The old me would have pushed on for another 20 or 30 minutes, just to...I don't know. Prove something.

In times like that, when I see my old ghost, I take note of how far I've come. I'm sad for a moment. Thinking of how happy I thought I was. Then happy, taking note of how "grown up" I feel now. Exercising to be fit. Huh. Now, that makes me happy. I'm sure of it.

Choices, choices.


Sitting in my therapists office many years ago (don't you just love stories that start with that line?) I remember telling her, "I'll bet you have a really great marriage and life in general because you're so smart about all this". And she laughed and informed me that she had her own therapist. And that just because she gives advice and helps people get "well" (whatever "well" really is), doesn't mean she has a perfect life. I supposes that was my first realazation that just because someone is an expert at something, doesn't mean they do it perfectly. So, in becoming a life coach, I've let go of trying to have the perfect life. However, there's a distinction between that, and walking your own talk.

Last year I wrote a post on that topic, and it's come up again and again as I trudge further and further into my own personal growth and development. Funny how that happens, eh? Anyway, I'll get right to the point:

Over the last month or so my almost 3 year old son has been getting up at the crack of dawn. No, actually before dawn cracks. At around 5 am. Sometimes 4:30. And to me, that's still the middle of the night. We've tried everything, putting him to bed earlier, later, putting him back to bed, telling him the sun is still sleeping, but he's up and ready to party. So, I've been bitching and complaining about it on Facebook and Twitter, to my mom, and anyone who has ears.

In the meantime, I'm writing an e-book for my new website (more on that later) that's about self esteem. I talk about shifting your mindset. I preach that if you're not happy about something, shift the way you look at it. Huh. Pretty good advice, I'd say. So, this morning, bright and early, I stumbled downstairs, made my son an Eggo, changed my daughter's diaper (because he graciously wakes her up too), and poured myself some coffee. Feeling oh-so-sorry for myself. About 10 minutes later it dawned on me. I said to myself, "Self. Shift your mindset." So I did. Was it easy? Meh. But, I did it. It takes practice, I think. It's not as easy as jumping up and down, explaiming, "Wow! I LOOOOOVE this time in the morning!"  But even a slight shift is a start and gets the momentum to shift a little more. Try it. And let me know how it goes. Life is about choices. Concious choices.

What have you been looking at that you think sucks? What can you do to shift your mindset even in the slightest?

Eight Windows

Inspired again by my dear friend Karen Pery, she has invited her readers to think about their lives. If given the opportunity to have glimpses of your life flash before your eyes, what would you see? She describes 8 windows, from the outside looking into your soul. I tried hard to think about things that were all nice and fluffy. But, honestly, not all my pivotal moments were great. Some yes, but not all. The moments that changed my life, the moments that would flash before my eyes if I was perhaps faced with death? Here is what I would see:

  1. Riding my big wheel on the tennis courts when I was 5 years old. The plastic streamers, my royal blue tennies, red and white tube top and dove shorts. No cares in the world. 
  2. 20 years old, walking into the recovery room where my dad had just had quadruple bypass surgery. Seeing his scars, seeing him hooked up to machines was too much. I walked out. 
  3. Standing in Barnes and Noble. I called my then-husband and the other woman answered. I finally knew for sure. It was over. Walking out and into the parking lot I had my first out-of-body experience. 
  4. The moment Jason opened the door the first time we met. We had been talking for weeks on the phone, and I promised myself I would have no expectations when I met him in person. The look of such curiosity on his face was evident. My first thought that I remember so clearly was, "Oh shit. He's cute. I'm in trouble." 
  5. My son's birth. Terrified, laying on the surgery table, smelling my burning skin as I was cut open to have him removed from my body. Thinking, "Shouldn't I be happy right now?" And feeling like the worst new mother ever for being furious about the way he was coming into the world. 
  6. On my son's first birthday, he woke up from a nap. I got him out of bed and sat down to rock him. He fell back asleep in my arms and I memorized his smell: Baby sweat and sunscreen. It was delicious. 
  7. About 30 seconds after my daughter was born, I broke down in tears. Fighting with my obstetrician about how I was going to give birth to her was more than I could handle. I was so happy that she was here, that she was in my arms, that she was healthy and that she was born the way I thought she deserved to be born. 
  8. Sitting at my dining room table with my beloved MacBook, writing any post of this blog. Crying, typing the words of the story of my past. Realizing how sad I was at times. And how I used to cope. The girl I was. The woman I've become. And the vulnerability of letting everyone see it. 

I feel like I should say something inspiring right now but I don't have it in me. 

What would you see through your windows? 

Just things

I've been blogging a lot lately. Well, at least a lot for me. I remember when I got rejected from blogher.com because I didn't post frequently enough. I lurked through other blogs on their site and saw many that hadn't been updated for months on end, or frequent posters that wrote in-depth articles about the antics of their cats. The rejection sent me into "I'll show them" mode and I vowed to only write about things that mattered- things that would hopefully help someone, anyone. I keep writing for two main reasons: 1. This blog has been theraputic for me. And 2. Whenever I get an email from someone thanking me for helping them, it makes little hearts come out of my head.

My dear friend Karen Pery wrote a recent post that moved me. It was so simple, but yet a challenge for me to do my own. She quotes Jen Lemen:

…I think I should stick to a regimen of shallow self-disclosure in the spirit of old-school blogging. You know, the kind we had before we decided to try to make all of this mean something.

I feel confident that all ten of you will be just fine if I…

Don’t try to soothe or feed you.
Refuse to help or advise you.
Just tell you how I am every so often without taking on anyone’s future dreams or development.

So, taking the lead from Jen and Karen, I give you my own "Things":

Things I don’t know yet (except, of course, when I do)
If my son and daughter will have a close relationship when they grow up.
If we'll stay in California, or move out of state.
If I'll go back to graduate school.
What the topic of my first book will be.
If I will ever step on a scale again in my lifetime.

Things I'm learning
Patience.
How to slow down.
How to let go.
How to be an awesome coach.
How lucky I am to have such a great marriage.

Things I'm wishing for
Eternal happiness for my children
More time to myself
Big hair to be back in style
A housekeeper
All women to love themselves and their bodies unconditionally.( Wow, wouldn't that be awesome?)

Things that are getting on my nerves
My son's phase of getting up before the sun. Coming in my room at 4:30 am to tell me the big news: "Momma! The sun is still sleeping!"
The landscapers that always seem to know when I've put my kids down for a nap.

Things that scare me
Zombies (seriously).
Car accidents.
Drama.
Debt.

Things that are making me happy
My past relationships. As shitty as some of it was, I'm so happy it all happened.
Exercising for health.
My husband. I never knew how happy I could be having simplicity.
New friends. And watching my old friends grow up.
Seeing how much my son loves animals.
Getting to know myself.
My daughter's fierce attachment to me.

Ratting myself out.


Forgive me, blogosphere, for I have sinned.

The last few weeks I've been ranting about taking steps back to re-evaluate ourselves and what we're doing. I wrote about just "being" instead of "doing" all the time, and before that I wrote about perfectionism and the curse of "go big or go home".

And last week, my good friend Jenny Blake wrote a post entitled "My Sandboxed Life" where she confesses that her overachievement is getting to her and she wants to slow down (by the way, the "friend" she mentions that told her she was a "house of cards waiting to crumble"? Yeah, that was me).

So, here I am, blahbidy, blah, blah. Telling all of you in the blogosphere the importance of slowing down for your own sanity and little ol' me has a to-do list 17 miles long. Yes, I said it. I am a....

Hypocrite.

But, in my own defense, and the point of this post, is that I didn't even know it was happening. Let me explain.

I've learned some things about my own negative self talk, or saboteur (remember mine? She's a real bitch). In most cases, this talk is blatantly negative, saying things like, "You can't do this, you suck at that, you're stupid", etc. Since I've done a pretty good job at recognizing these voices and putting a lid on it, my bitch of a gremlin has evolved and gotten smarter. Since she knows she can't trap me that way, she's flipped it around and disguises herself as ambition. She makes ridiculous demands, plays the comparison game and has no patience for compromise. None. (P.S. I talk about her in the third person because it helps me decipher those words from my true self . I know it sounds like I hear voices, but I'm really not schizophrenic. Er, at least I don't think I am). My own coach gave me a homework assignment a couple weeks back that entailed me sitting down and making a list of things not to-do, but what I've done in the last year. I finally did it, and was astounded at how long and kick-ass it was. It made me realize that if I can't sit back and be proud of myself for accomplishing all that I've done, what's the point it wearing myself out for it? It's okay to slow down and celebrate once in a while. To look at how far I've come, and sometimes, to confess that I screw up. So, with that, I pull up my big girl panties and carry on.

I can't tell you what a relief it's been to realize this and put things off. I don't know why I see women entrepreneurs that have been in business for 10+ years and think I need to be that. Tomorrow. How ridiculous! I was reminded this week by Jennifer Powter that moms starting a business with small children live in dog years. What takes most people 1 day may take us a week. It's frustrating, and as a recovering type a/perfectionist person, I can tell you that irritates the shit out of me.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go get my professional juggling certification.

Choosing an experience: My journey to VBAC

Today's post is written by Pamela Candelaria who writes over at Natural Birth for Normal Women. 


I’m going to come right out and say it: The single biggest reason I wanted a VBAC was because I wanted the experience, magic-filled and complete with angelic music and ethereal light. Well, yes, I had romanticized it a bit, but I had a very clear vision of my ideal birth before my firstborn was a twinkle in his daddy’s eye.  I believe giving birth is a rite of passage, and the actual physical act of giving birth is the highest expression of feminine power.  I was shocked when I ended up having a c-section to deliver my first baby, and it was an enormous struggle for me to work through my feelings of failure. There was never a question that I would pursue VBAC when I had more children. Or at least, there was never a question until I got pregnant again. 

Then it started. I knew I had to be better informed this time, make better choices to have a better birth. My starting point for research was the internet, and it was absolutely filled with horror stories about VBACs gone wrong, catastrophic uterine ruptures that killed babies and left mothers hemorrhaging and facing hysterectomy. If only they’d chosen another c-section, their babies would be alive and they would be able to have more children. My conviction began to falter. I kept reading. I read the derision heaped on VBAC moms, the accusations that we were trying to get a “vag badge” or would rather have a vaginal birth than a healthy baby. I wondered if I was putting my own desire for an experience above the health of my baby. If that was the case, I needed to re-evaluate my priorities make peace with having c-sections for all my children.  

In the midst of my searching, something wonderful happened. I found an online support group full of women who not only knew absolutely everything about VBAC and repeat cesarean (RCS), but were able to direct me to the sources so I could learn it myself. I started reading studies- actual studies that looked at thousands of births. I could see the biases and flaws in the research, and I was able to critically evaluate how the conclusions of the studies were affected by those biases. I had support, I had encouragement, and I had resources- and this is what I learned:

VBAC is safe. Let me say that again: VBAC is safe. That is not to say it is without risk, but any pregnancy following a c-section carries greater risk than a pregnancy with an unscarred uterus. On the whole, VBAC provides better outcomes for mothers and babies than scheduled repeat cesarean.  VBAC babies have higher APGAR scores, lower rates of NICU admission, less need for supplemental oxygen, and shorter hospital stays than babies born by RCS. VBAC moms have less time in the hospital, too, and they also enjoy significantly lower rates of infection, hemorrhage, transfusion and hysterectomy. Repeat cesareans are 2-4 times more likely to result in maternal death than VBAC, but death related to uterine rupture in a VBAC attempt is unheard of. Because I wanted a large family, it was critical for me to learn that risks in future pregnancies dramatically decrease with multiple VBACs, but dramatically increase with multiple c-sections. Having this information renewed my confidence in my decision to VBAC, but it left me with questions, too. Why was the obstetric world so against VBAC? And why do only 10% of women choose VBAC? 

The answers to those questions are multifaceted. The factors influencing modern obstetric care in general, and VBAC specifically, are complex and interwoven to the extent that it’s nearly impossible to separate them. Medical malpractice suits are a huge part of the equation, and there are lawyers ready and waiting to vilify OBs who support VBACs. It’s estimated that 30% of OBs have stopped supporting VBACs solely because they fear malpractice liability, and another 29% have increased their c-section rate for the same reason. The ACOG issued guidelines requiring “immediate” availability of emergency c-section for VBAC moms, and as a result nearly 1/3 of hospitals stopped supporting VBAC labors. But with the majority of OBs and hospitals still allowing VBAC, I wondered, why do women choose RCS in droves? 

It is common (though inaccurate) knowledge that VBAC is safer for mothers and RCS is safer for babies, and there is a strong social expectation that we as mothers should be willing to sacrifice our own safety to ensure the safety of our babies. We fear we’ll be held responsible if a VBAC goes wrong, but choosing RCS makes the OB responsible for the safety of the baby during birth. Many OBs provide misleading information about the risks of VBAC, guiding women to “choose” RCS because it is falsely presented as risk-free.  Other OBs claim to be VBAC-supportive, but have a laundry list of criteria that virtually guarantee no one will ever achieve a trial of labor. VBAC is no longer a mainstream birth choice, and when faced with unsupportive providers, misinformation, scare tactics, and a constant need to be vigilant and advocate for ourselves to ensure we’re given an opportunity to birth the way we want- well, is it any surprise that most of us opt out? 

After all my hours of research, I felt vindicated. Not only was my desire for a birth experience okay, but going ahead and having that experience was going to be better for me and my baby and all my future babies too. I was also lucky; my OBs never questioned my decision to VBAC and they were supportive and encouraging throughout my pregnancies. I have now had three VBACs, and oddly enough, there wasn’t a single one marked by angelic music or ethereal light. I never had that ideal birth I’d envisioned. It was just me, birthing my babies, having that experience, doing a little part of God’s work. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  

*******************************************************************************

Pam is a mother of 4 who found a passion for birth through her cesarean and 3 VBAC journeys. She believes the best way to improve maternity care is to empower all women to make fully informed decisions, regardless of what type of birth they choose. She resides in Denver, Colorado. 

J Lo tells us the reason we should all get our pre-baby body back...

Recently, Jennifer Lopez was interviewed for  US magazine. Not the most intriguing of magazines, I know, but they do have (what I am assuming is) hundreds of thousands of subscribers, and many, many more pick it up while waiting in line at the grocery store. The cover screams, "MY BEST BODY EVER" and provides us with an eyeful of the celebrity looking happy and sultry. A look all of us mothers are apparently dying to achieve. (Insert eye roll). The article quotes Lopez as saying,"You get to the point where you're like, Where am I? What happened to me? I got to get myself together for my kids, you know? They need to know what I really look like."




Don't get me wrong; I love me some J Lo. Many times I've been running, listening to her music, shaking my butt, trying to tap into my inner Latina. But, Jesus H. Christ. "They need to know what I really look like" ?? What she really looks like? I can guarantee, that what she really looks like is not some perfectly lit, posed, professionally make-up'd, airbrushed and photoshopped celebrity. And what kind of message does this send to her children and to other mothers? Call me completely bananas-gone-crazy, but this is the message it sends to me as a mother: 

Mamas: If you've got a little or a lot of belly fat, perhaps some pesky cellulite on your thighs,
 some sag on your butt cheeks after having those babies, don't you think it's about time you show 
your kids what you looked like BEFORE you had them? So what if it's been several years and you're
 not 20 anymore. Do it for your KIDS! Get yourself together for your them. 

Clearly, I jest, and who really takes J Lo seriously anymore. But, this is nothing new. We see it and hear it daily. The "How I got my body back after baby" article is a pretty constant bombardment to us mothers. So how do we ignore it? How in the world do we squash just deal with the body image pressures after having babies? 

There are many things a woman can do about it, and it really depends on the severity of her issues. I will say a couple of things. First of all, remember this: When you decide to have a baby, your life will change permanently. Forever. For the rest of your natural life. So, count on the fact that it's pretty likely that your body will change too. For-ev-er. Am I happy about the fact that my body is different now after having 2 babies? No. By no means do I give myself a wink and a thumbs up in the mirror when my eyes fall on a part of my body that is different than it used to be. But, I'm learning to live with it. Sometimes I just sigh and have to say, "It is, what it is", then go chase my toddler or nurse my daughter (which by the way I'll take my not-so-perky-anymore breasts as a trade off for breastfeeding both of my children). Just try to keep it in perspective. We chose to have the attitudes we have about certain things. Body image is no different. We can choose to be in a place of "Oh-my-god-I-need-to-get-my-body-back-or-else-(insert worst possible fate)" or we can choose to just accept it for what it is.

Your kids don't care if you have some belly fat. They don't care if you have some cellulite. But, they do care (and listen) about how you think and talk about your body. I vowed to do my best to heal my body image issues and to not pass them on to my children, especially my daughter. I do the best I can. Sometimes I feel like that clown at the circus who spins plates on both hands, one foot, his head and his nose. Some fall off, sometimes he looks silly, but, hey, at least he's trying, right? We have a lot to deal with as mothers. Let's not beat ourselves up by comparing our bodies now to what they looked like before we had babies.

Thanks anyway, J Lo. Please don't comment anymore about that. Just keep making great movies making music that we can shake our butts to. 

Things you shouldn't say to a pregnant lady...

...Or one that just had a baby
“Don’t be a hero, just get the epidural.” 
Plain and simple- Women who don’t get an epidural during childbirth are not trying to be a hero. They’re not trying to prove anything to anyone. They don't want a trophy, a medal, or a "congratulations". Their reasons may vary, but I can almost guarantee that they are completely annoyed by the “Don’t be a hero” statement. 
“Women that have natural child birth are crazy!”


We are trained to think that childbirth is hidiously painful and should be avoided at all costs. Childbirth is a right of passage and many women embrace it, pain and all. 
“VBAC is selfish. You should just do the safest thing for your baby and have another c-section”


This one makes my head spin. If anyone was truly educated on both the subject of multiple cesarean and VBAC, they would never say this ridiculous statement. I can only assume this would be said by someone that doesn't have a clue about both subjects or does not have a vagina. If someone does have the balls to say this, ask them where they got their medical degree. 
VBAC is not selfish. 
“Having a healthy baby is all that matters. It doesn’t matter how he’s born”

There is someone else involved in the birth and caring of that baby- and it’s his mother. Her physical health is important, but also her mental and emotional health. I am so tired of hearing this. It does matter how the baby is born! It goes without saying that the health of the baby is most important, but it's entirely unfair that the mother's feelings are simply pushed aside. 
“C-section is the way to go. No contractions, no pushing, you’re in, you’re out!” 

If you’ve never had a c-section and you say this to someone, shame on you. You have no right to impose this type of advice. If you’ve had a c-section and your experience was pleasant, I ask you to STOP telling pregnant women this. The process of labor and delivery is actually healthy for mother and baby. Most women grow up hearing nothing but horror stories about labor, so they learn to fear labor. I mean really FEAR labor. But women's bodies are made for labor. We're made to be able to take the pain and the contractions. 
“Well, it could always be worse”


I'd like to think that this statement is said when there is absolutely nothing else to say. Perhaps out of desperation to fill the silence or say anything to make the mother feel better. But, I urge, you...don't say this! Obviously, it could always be worse. But, someone who didn't have a great birth experience does not need their feelings to be made less. 
And lastly, I hesitated to write about this, but I wanted to make the point. (Another great post about this is here). If someone has had a traumatic c-section, or even a non-traumatic one but has ill feelings toward it, I think saying the following can be hurtful:
“Don’t worry, next time you can just have a VBAC!”
It can be negative for two reasons. First, she may not be a good candidate for a VBAC or she may attempt and not succeed (or she may be done having babies). Secondly, having a VBAC doesn’t automatically erase or “fix” the feelings of a previous traumatic birth experience. In some ways, I expected this to happen to me. Although my VBAC was great, and I encourage all women to try for one that desire to, I’m still sad that my son came into the world in a way that I feel was not the greatest. It’s out of my control, I’ve come a long way with the feelings assocaited with it, but like any traumatic experience, happier ones in the future don’t make it all better. 


Photo courtesy of Shutter Daddy

Caveat Emptor: The Real Risks of Cesarean Section

Today's post is written by Pamela Candelaria who writes over at Natural Birth for Normal Women. 

Over 1.3 million babies in the US were born by c-section in 2008, accounting for 32.3% of all births. The most common reason for cesarean delivery is having had one before, but the reasons for a cesarean can vary widely. Sometimes there are medical reasons for planning a c-section prior to labor, and emergencies during labor make other c-sections truly lifesaving. For a huge number of women, though, the picture is less clear. They are told they have small pelvises, or big babies, or their labors aren’t progressing fast enough. Many women are told cesareans are a safe way to avoid the risks of vaginal birth, and an increasing number of mothers are choosing c-sections with no medical indication at all. Whatever the reason for the c-section, though, one thing they almost always have in common is a lack of truly informed consent. Let’s look at the risks listed on a fairly typical consent form—what isn’t on the form may be surprising:

The consent form says:
Infection in the skin incision, usually this is controlled with antibiotics. Sometimes it can require you to be re-admitted to the hospital, but in most cases antibiotics are taken as an out-patient.
In reality, you are twice as likely to be re-hospitalized following a c-section, infection is almost five times more likely to occur, and infection can extend to the uterine incision. Taking antibiotics while breastfeeding contributes to thrush, adding another challenge when breastfeeding is already less likely to succeed following a cesarean. 

The consent form says:
Development of heavy bleeding at the time of surgery with the possibility of hemorrhage which could require a blood transfusion.
Transfusion is required in up to 6% of cesarean sections. If your c-section goes perfectly, you’ll lose over twice as much blood as you would during a normal vaginal birth- and even that number may be grossly underestimated. It is interesting to note that “normal” blood loss during a c-section would be considered a hemorrhage during a vaginal birth.  

The consent form says:
Injury to the bladder and/or bowel which could require surgical repair (this occurs in less than 1% of all Cesarean sections)
True- but mild bowel paralysis occurs following up to 20% of cesareans, and some women have bladder injuries that don’t require surgical correction but do require use of a catheter for weeks following delivery. Even if only 1% of women require further surgery to correct these injuries, that is almost 14,000 additional- and largely preventable- surgeries per year being performed on mothers who should be happily caring for their newborns.

The consent form says:
Injury to the ureter (a small tube which passes urine from the kidney to the bladder)
While this injury is unusual, occurring in just 0.1% to 0.25% of cesareans, it often goes undiagnosed until the mother returns to her doctor with symptoms including pain and fever. Another surgery is then required. 

The consent form says:
Developing a blood clot in the leg veins after delivery
This occurs in ½% to 2% of c-sections- somewhere between 6,900 and 27,000 women- and can be fatal; yet many women are never told what symptoms to look for or how to reduce their risk.  

The consent form says:
Risks for subsequent pregnancies include: placenta previa (where the placenta lies wholly or partly in the lower part of the uterus)
Shockingly, this consent form fails to list any other risks for future pregnancies. Reproductive consequences of a primary cesarean include a risk of uterine rupture that is 12 times higher than it would be with an unscarred uterus, even if a repeat cesarean is scheduled. A woman also faces increased risk of placenta previa, more severe placenta problems like abruption and accreta, miscarriage and unexplained stillbirth, unexplained secondary infertility, and dramatically increased risk of surgical complications in future c-sections. If that is not enough, the scar tissue and adhesions left by cesarean surgery can cause chronic pelvic pain and sexual dysfunction, and in rare cases can cause intestinal blockage that can be fatal.

The consent form says:
Cutting the baby during the incision into the uterus (this occurs rarely).
About 1-2% of babies are cut during c-sections- that could mean over 25,000 babies, every year, receiving anything from a nick to a severe laceration at the hands of the delivering OB. While the consent form ends here, a slippery scalpel is not the only risk babies face when delivered by cesarean. Babies born by elective cesarean are up to seven times more likely to have respiratory problems at birth, and are up to three times as likely to die in their first month of life.  C-section babies have lower APGAR scores, higher NICU admission rates, and they are more likely to have ongoing health problems like asthma. It’s important to note, these are low-risk babies, not babies who are delivered by emergency cesarean who may have been affected by complications of labor. No, these babies experience these issues as a direct result of the way they were born. 

I’ve talked with hundreds of women about their cesarean births, both online and in real life. There is a pervasive belief that c-sections transfer the inherent risks of birth to the mother, providing babies a safer and lower-risk entrance into the world than they’d have with a vaginal birth. Many OBs perpetuate this myth, but it’s clear they aren’t telling us the whole story. I don’t think I’ve met one woman- not one single mother- who was told up front that in some respects her c-section put her baby at greater risk than vaginal birth would have. Even though many women seem comfortable with the increased maternal risks of c-sections, few are truly aware of exactly what those risks are, how much they are increased, or how they can be reduced. OBs are selling c-sections as a safe and easy way to deliver a baby- and women are buying. 

Buyer beware.

********************************************************************************************************************************
Pam is a mother of 4 who found a passion for birth through her cesarean and 3 VBAC journeys. She believes the best way to improve maternity care is to empower all women to make fully informed decisions, regardless of what type of birth they choose. She resides in Denver, Colorado. 












Sources:

2008 Birth Data

Cesarean Section Consent Form

Risk of selected postpartum infections after cesarean section compared with vaginal birth: A five-year cohort study of 32,468 women

Cesarean Fact Sheet

Neonatal Morbidity and Mortality After Elective Cesarean Delivery
Caroline Signore, MD, MPHa and Mark Klebanoff, MD, MPHb

Thrush in Breastfeeding Moms

Cesarean Childbirth

Estimates of cesarean-related blood loss shown to be too low

Urologic Injury at the Time of Cesarean Delivery

Uterine Rupture in Pregnancy
Deadly Delivery Summary

Fetal Injury Associated with Cesarean Delivery

The Easter Bunny meets Cesarean Awareness

April is my favorite month. Probably because it's my birthday, Spring, Easter and Cesarean Awareness Month. So guess what this post is about? Yes, another topic that gets my panties in a wad: Cesarean section and VBAC.

Fighting for my own VBAC has changed my life. I don't use that term very often, only when I truly mean it. It opened my eyes up to the world of American obstetrics, and how far we've come away from birth as a natural process. In my opinion, we've shoved a big, fat middle finger in Mother Nature's face.

So, why do I care? Isn't it none of my business how another woman gives birth? What she chooses to do is her perogative, isn't that why we're so lucky to live in America? So, shouldn't I just sit back and not judge? Well, yes and no. Yes, I shouldn't judge, but realistically, we're all human and we do it every day. And no, this is my blog and I feel it in my bones to speak out about this. So, if you don't want to hear me rant about birth, unnecessary cesarean and VBAC, you are welcome to stop reading now and for the remainder of the month of April.

Congratulations if you're still reading, you might get your mind changed, help someone else change their mind, or just plain hate me later. I'm okay with any or all of those.

I have come to realize that birth is hands down the most natural, beautiful, organic process in the entire world. It's been happening for billions of years. And it's changing for the worse. We are backpedaling when it comes to nature. Once we figured out we were destroying our planet, we all jumped on the bandwagon to fix it, right? And when we realized how many hazardous chemicals are in our foods and  household products we try to make changes to keep ourselves and families safe, correct? But, here we are, destroying the one thing we all have in common: Birth, and year after year it continues to get worse. In the U.S. the maternal death rate has nearly tripled in the last decade and the cesarean rate has continued to rise for the last 11 years, and if the trend keeps going, it may reach 50% by the time my daughter is ready to have babies. There are many reasons for this sharp rise, but that's not what this post is about.

I feel if I sit back and say nothing, I perpetuate the problem. What has me so upset, is the lack of information women have when they are pregnant and give birth.  When pregnant with my first, I was one of them! I sat back, let my doctor talk at me and hardly questioned him. My instincts told me to do something, anything, ask questions, go against his word, call his bluff. But, I didn't. Years and years of wiring were engrained in me. Things like: Doctors know everything. Doctors always have your best interests at heart. Hospitals are the best and safest place to have babies. Birth is scary, painful and dangerous. These are all things I thought were true, never trying to find out if any of it was factual or not. Guess what? It's all bullshit.

(Note: Not all doctors are bad. There are some great obstetricians, ones that support VBAC and will even wait it out on a long labor. But, this post is not about that either. Moving on!)

So, what is this post about? Basically what I stated before: I feel that many women lack important information when they are pregnant and giving birth. Some patients rights include:
  • Women can refuse to be examined or treated by anyone.
  • Pregnant women have a right to refuse any medical treatment or drug, including a cesarean section, episiotomy, anesthesia, and pain medication.
  • A woman has a right to change her mind about any decision made before or during labor or childbirth.
Those are just a few. For a full list and other great information, click here. I hear story after story of women who are pregnant that didn't know they could refuse treatment, cesarean deliveries, vaginal exams or other interventions. It's up to us to know our rights and be able to ask or question our medical professionals. 

One of my favorite birth bloggers, Barbara Herrera, wrote a post entitled, "When you buy the hospital ticket...you go for the Hospital Ride." She says, "If you want control, why go where egotistical birth is the norm? If you want autonomy, why go where lawsuits and defensive medicine are the rule?" I'll be honest. I was scared shitless that my baby might be in danger during labor. Why? Because I was fed the absolute worst possible scenarios at each and every one of my OB appointments. If you know me and/or read my blog you know that I encourage and teach people to listen to their intuition, their gut instincts. Mine was telling me everything was fine, myself and my daughter were healthy and safe and that I should trust my body. But, as mothers, as incubators of these precious creatures it's very difficult to ignore modern medicine and not place our utmost trust in our superhero medical birthing system. After all, hospitals save babies. They save mothers birthing babies. In very, very rare instances they do this. But, you have to wonder: Is a hospital the safest place to birth? Is it the best place to bond with our babies? Are we just too scared and maybe uninformed to do it anywhere else? Do women really think they can't or don't know how to birth? Is it just a coincidence that as maternal mortality is rising so is the rate of cesarean sections?

The month of April will continue with birth and Cesarean related posts. Here are some references if you are pregnant, wanting a VBAC, or thinking about either one. Or if you know someone who may learn something about birth, these would make an excellent gift. Birth is the first major event your child experiences. Inform yourself to be able to make the best choices for yourself and your baby. Empower yourself to take control of your body and your birth.

"Ina May's Guide to Child Birth" by Ina May Gaskin
"The Thinking Womans Guide to a Better Birth" by Henci Goer (this one is great if you like scientific research to back up all the things you're reading).
"Your Best Birth: Know All Your Options, Discover the Natural Choices, and Take Back the Birth Experience" by Ricki Lake and Abbi Epstein.
Also, visit the International Cesarean Awareness Network, VBAC Facts and The Unnecesarean websites.

Photo courtesy of Thomas van Ardenne

My amazing body


Today's post was inspired by another blogger and what she entitled, "MY perfection". I encourage you to click on the link and read her short view of what her perfection is. And here is mine.

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week and leading up to it was racking my brain thinking of something amazing and inspiring to write about regarding body image or eating disorders. But, truth be told, I just don't have it in me. Maybe I'm taking a break from writing about my own struggles, maybe I'm so far into recovery that my mind refuses to go back there and dig up the old painful memories. I'm not really too sure.

But, here's the honest to God truth: Every morning I turn the shower off and open the shower curtain. Directly in front of me is a large bathroom mirror, so I get to see myself naked everyday. It's not the same body it was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, or even 3 years ago. Three years ago today I was almost 3 months pregnant with my son, my first child. My disordered eating and exercise behaviors were ending. I don't think I knew it then. I wanted it to be over, but wasn't sure if I would relapse after my son was born. I'm proud to say I didn't. I kept going forward with giant steps, steps bigger and scarier than I ever imagined.

So back to the mirror. I heard once that if you can hold a pencil under your breast, you need a boob job. (Whaaat?) I'm pretty sure I can hold an entire pack of pencils under mine, and I still don't "need" a boob job. I have belly fat that spills over and my son loves to poke it and say, "Squishy belly mommy!" There are veins on my body that look like road maps, I have stretch marks, and even cellulite on my thighs. I am reminded every day of my sons birth from my pink, uneven cesarean scar. But, I ask you, someday at my funeral, will anyone say, "Such a pretty face, too bad she didn't lose that baby weight." or "That cellulite and stretch marks were a real eye sore."

No.

Because at my funeral, I hope to have touched enough lives that people will tell stories of what I meant to them, how I bettered someones life, how the values I instilled in my children's have helped shaped their own lives. That's all.

I'm not saying let's all throw away any notion of wanting to look good and feel our best. I know it's important, I get it. But, what's amazing to me now, today, isn't the same amazing it was even 5 years ago.

So, bring on the cellulite and stretch marks. I got the privilege of pushing a baby out of my vagina! Now, THAT'S what I call an amazing body. I love my body now, with all of it's so called "flaws and imperfections". It's pretty awesome to me...and for reasons that might not be what others think.

Photo courtesy of author (that's me!) taken by Kristina Chartier Photgraphy

100 things I am grateful for



I'm a huge fan of the list of 100. In a previous post I challenged my readers to make a list of 100 things they love about themselves. Today, I was on a walk in this beautiful weather, pushing my 2 beautiful children in the stroller. I was overwhelmed with how blessed my life is and it always seems to get better the more grateful I am for what I have. So, I thought I would share with you my list of 100. And I challenge you to do the same. Having repeats is okay. It shows patterns of what is really important to you.

I'm grateful for:
  1. My husband. He has integrity, is loving, patient and is a kind soul. I hit the jackpot.
  2. My mom taking me to church when I was little. It shaped my faith.
  3. Legs that work. Because I love to run.
  4. My husband's secure job.
  5. Health insurance.
  6. My healthy teeth.
  7. Running water. Bathing and brushing my teeth are good things.
  8. My dads sobriety. I'm so proud of him.
  9. Being able to stay home with my kids.
  10. Being recovered from disordered eating and exercise.
  11. Knowing my purpose on this earth.
  12. My son's birth. I knew he was safe when I had to have him via cesarean section.
  13. My daughters birth. Having her vaginally was a magical experience. Yes, I just said "vaginally".
  14. My ex husband cheating on me. It made me find my self esteem.
  15. My first marriage. I learned so many things about myself and relationships.
  16. My relationship with a drug addict. I learned to say goodbye to codependency.
  17. Living in San Diego, the most beautiful city in the world. (In my humble opinion).
  18. Santa Claus.
  19. Having reliable transportation.
  20. Date night with my husband. The conversation always inspires me.
  21. Music. I am so moved by music.
  22. Exercising. It's so worth it.
  23. Dancing.
  24. Having the guts to stand up for what I believe in.
  25. Being literate. Thank you mom, dad and teachers for teaching me to read.
  26. Razors. Because I don't like it when my armpits are hairy.
  27. Brownies, chocolate chip cookies and cake.
  28. Being able to breast feed my children.
  29. The clothes in my closet. Sometimes I think I have nothing to wear. I have plenty.
  30. My degree in fashion merchandising. It made me realize I wasn't meant to work in the industry.
  31. Girl Scouts. I learned so many things and it shaped me today.
  32. My daughters toothless grin.
  33. The Internet.
  34. My dad teaching me the importance of a firm handshake.
  35. My parents ability to afford braces for me.
  36. Lactation consultants and doulas.
  37. My right to free speech.
  38. My dad teaching me how to play tennis.
  39. Feminists that fight for women's rights
  40. Shoes. Like the clothes, I have plenty.
  41. The heater in our house.
  42. Our home. Sometimes I wish I had more counter space, but we have enough.
  43. Volunteering for the Special Olympics.
  44. Online support groups. When I was pregnant with my daughter and wanting a VBAC, the ladies on that support group were immensely helpful.
  45. Hand-me-downs for my kids.
  46. Laundry detergent.
  47. Recycling.
  48. Facebook. I've reunited with so many important people that I'd lost touch with. And met new ones.
  49. The beach.
  50. My sense of humor.
  51. My fertility. I am so, so grateful to be able to have babies when I wanted them.
  52. My physical health.
  53. My mental health and stability.
  54. Living in a hygienic environment. Sounds strange, but a lot of people don't have this.
  55. Modern medicine.
  56. God in my life.
  57. Entertainment options. I should never be bored.
  58. Coffee.
  59. Believing in the importance of personal growth and development.
  60. The people who will be my clients this year while I go through CTI certification. I don't know who they are yet :)
  61. People that read and comment on my blog. It helps to keep me motivated to keep writing.
  62. Seatbelts.
  63. All the jobs I have had. I've learned so much.
  64. My values and core beliefs. Knowing them means I can honor them.
  65. Being able to be a stay-at-home-mom.
  66. Getting to snuggle with both babies in bed in the morning, watching Sesame Street.
  67. Having reliable transportation.
  68. Having a fridge and cupboards full of food.
  69. Parks.
  70. This crummy economy. It's made me realize how much we have.
  71. Connecting with incredible people. Human contact.
  72. My Beco baby carrier. My daughter practically lives in it.
  73. Not having to take medication anymore for anxiety disorder.
  74. My therapist.
  75. My sister.
  76. Pets. Even though we don't have one right now.
  77. The fact that I chose my own happiness.
  78. Eating dinner as a family.
  79. Service to others. Giving back.
  80. A comfortable, warm bed.
  81. Clean underwear.
  82. Being brave enough to stand up against "the bad guys".
  83. Having a choice.
  84. My education. Eternally grateful for that.
  85. Student loans. They suck sometimes, but without them, I couldn't have gone to college.
  86. Being in a functional, loving, drama-free,mutually respectful relationship.
  87. Bubble baths.
  88. My self esteem.
  89. Classic 1970's rock.
  90. Admitting I'm far from perfect, but doing the best I can.
  91. Learning to be myself with ease.
  92. Laughter.
  93. My family's good health.
  94. Access to fresh fruits and vegetables.
  95. The ability to dream.
  96. The right to vote.
  97. Forgiveness.
  98. That my life didn't turn out as I expected it to.
  99. The fact that I was born in this amazing free country.
  100. My life.
Photo courtesy of Malu Green