FAT is the new "F word"

Today Jason and I were getting ready to go to Costco. I know, big plans for a Sunday, but that's my life and I love it. If you don't already know, were expecting a baby (YAY!!!) and I am almost 3 months pregnant. My belly is starting to poke out a little so I have started wearing maternity clothes. As I was getting dressed this morning, I changed outfits SIX TIMES. I don't think I've changed outfits that many times since I was going on a first date. And even then, it wasn't six times. Every outfit was "Ugh, I look gross". One t-shirt was too tight, one too thin, etc. They all had the same thing in common: They made me look fat. I imagined myself walking into Costco, showing my Costco card and the card-checker lady faints due to thinking how fat I am. And then everyone points and laughs and says, "Oh my Gosh! Look at the fat lady!" And then they make pig noises at me. Is this the craziest thing you have ever heard? Maybe...or maybe you have been there too. When the ridiculous thoughts cloud your brain and before you know it your day is ruined.


I went downstairs and confessed to my husband about my numerous costume changes. He said he was wondering what was taking me so long. In my best winey voice I told him, "Well, I'm in that in-between stage where it's not obvious I'm pregnant, so it just looks like I'm fat. I don't want people to think I'm fat"

WHAT!?!?!?!?!

Jason screws up his face and in his best guy reply says, "Who cares?"

During the car ride there I kept thinking about not only how ridiculous my thinking was, but how do I knock it off? Realistically, I'm not fat, I'm pregnant. But regardless of being pregnant, one of my biggest fears in life is being fat. Even during a time when I was at my skinniest (size 0) I still felt uncomfortable in my skin because of my body. I don't need to get into how it happens, that's a whole different animal (and blog post), but what's the solution? I'm currently reading Jessica Weiner's book, Life Doesn't Begin 5 Pounds From Now (I've met her, she ROCKS!), and in the first chapter she says, "I don't know one woman who has never had a thought about how much she weighs or whether she is, or isn't getting fat. Unless you grew up in a far away planet called Self-Love, you grew up in a world where women are still valued, honored, rewarded, validated, and appreciated based on the size and shape of their bodies".

I actually took my husband's "Who cares" advice and was able to forget about feeling fat and to be honest, the "new Andrea" does this much easier than the old me would have. But I have slip ups. A few months ago I was watching a guilty pleasure reality show I like, "The Girls Next Door". It's a show about Hugh Hefner's three girlfriends that live in his mansion....I know..anyway, the episode was about the next Playboy playmate and were showing the (edited, of course) photo shoot. As I sat on the couch watching the probably 19 year old girl get her picture taken under perfect lighting, body make-up, after 3 hours of hair and make-up, I will share with you the dialogue that took place in my mind: I need to lose weight, I wish I had a flat stomach, I wish I still had long hair, maybe I should get a boob job, I really need to lose weight, maybe I should start starving myself again, I should wear more make-up.

Again....WHAT!?!?!?!?!?

I am not exaggerating that those are the EXACT thoughts that went through my head that night. All within 30 seconds of each other. I decided I couldn't watch that show anymore, and I don't.

I have to remind myself often that my own self worth is not based on how much I weigh, the size of my jeans or if a little bit of chunk hangs over my waistline. I don't become a better person the thinner I am. My happiness is not based on mine or anyone else's perception of "fat". I have wasted way too much time worrying about non-important things like if I will ever fit into my skinny jeans again and do I look better or worse than so-and-so in a bikini. And for what? What value did I (and do I) get out of all these thoughts and feelings?

Not a damn thing.

So there it is. People may read this and think I'm nuts, or you may be able to relate. I would love to hear your comments on this. (If you are reading this via Facebook, please comment on my actual blog instead of on Facebook. Thanks!)


Photo courtesy of flickr.com by juliagriggshavey

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Happiness....It's easier than you think

I think it's natural for us all to want to justify and/or measure our level of content and happiness. We compare it to other times in our lives and we feel good if we come to a place where we feel happier than we were in the past. My own life is a great example. On this day 3 years ago I was merely hours into a whirlwind life changing event. I couldn't imagine that I would heal, let alone be happy. But today, my life has made a dramatic change for the better and I am happier and more content than I have ever been. But even in this new life that I have, there are still things that I think about that "if only" I had them, I could be happier. Now I don't want this to be confused with goal setting which I think is imperative to everyone. Take my friend Jenny Blake. Jenny is a goal setting supergirl. I've never met anyone so young that can make a goal, determine mindfully how she is going to reach it, and attain it. If she could bottle it and sell it, she would be a millionaire. Her type of goal setting, in my opinion, is healthy. What I'm talking about is the type of person who keeps saying, "If I only had a significant other" or "If only I had a better job". This person may look to other people or even celebrities as having it all and that their own happiness is futile. Satisfaction is always out of reach. I think to some extent we all do it. For me, right now I am stuck in, "If only I could get my coaching business off the ground." and "If only I had the confidence to write a book".

Harold Kushner, in the book Practice Random Acts of Kindness talks about the everyday circumstances in our lives having the potential to bring us great happiness or despair. Everyday occurrences usually happen by chance, so if we rely on everyday events as the foundation of our feelings, what an emotional roller coaster to live on each day! He says that if we make a list of our "if only"s we can see what we put all of our emotion into. Then, he suggests ripping it up or burning it. I probably would like to keep mine as a reminder of what's really not that important to my happiness.

It's hard not to focus on a single achievement or goal. But I think when we let go of the feeling of the final outcome, when we don't get attached to the happiness "it" should bring us, but instead focus inward on ourselves, you will never fail to find the happiness within.

Photo courtesy of Kristina Chartier

My Old Ghost

Last Friday I went to the American Council on Exercise, a place where I worked from January 2006 to November of that same year. I had to pick up a book for school, show off my son and have lunch with an old co-worker. Although I only worked there just under a year, it was by far my favorite place of employment. The people there were great, I still maintain friendships there and the organization itself is just amazing.

Now, I'm pretty sure anyone can relate to being anywhere from their past and old feelings come up, good or bad, or even music can bring up past memories. For me, when I hear "Sister Golden Hair" by America I instantly get goosebumps and think of being a little kid, being in the old Dodge Van with my parents and can even smell the carpet from that van. Or the smell of Ponds Face cream always makes me think of my mom. It's like these things are linked up and can never be broken from our brains.

I haven't stepped foot in that office since my last day there, over 2 years ago. Before I went, I hadn't even thought about that, or what might happen when I got there. But let me back up for a moment. When I first started there, I had just moved out and separated from my first husband. I was in school full time and had to get a job to support myself and pay for my apartment. I immediately loved the job and the people there, but couldn't get away from my personal problems. It was pretty obvious I was going through a tough time and a little embarrassing as well. As the months progressed my friendships got tighter, but my life fell apart more and more. I discovered my husbands infidelities, and the drama that surrounded that ensued. I was served divorce papers at work that summer. I had also started a relationship with someone that was intense and drama filled from the get-go. I remember going into the bathroom at least twice a week, sometimes every day to go into a stall and cry. I was a mess. My personal life was a disaster, but I loved the people and the job, which kept me sane. I left the job because the person I was in a relationship with talked me into moving up to the bay area, so I quit. A month later after we broke up they had already filled my position, so I couldn't come back.

I guess I had forgotten that the entire time I worked there I was in a monumental life changing place in life. When I look back at my time at ACE, I remember the people, not how I felt in my heart. But when I pulled into the parking lot on Friday....it all came back like a tornado. My eyes fell on the front doors of the building and the parking lot and I immediately said out loud, "oh...my....God". I could vividly remember having screaming arguments on the phone with my ex-husband, being so angry my whole body shook, thinking even though I was outside, my co-workers might still be able to hear me, and knowing I had to wrap it up in a couple minutes and go back inside to be a professional. I quickly pushed it from my memory and went inside. Walking through the halls of the building I passed by the bathroom where I used to go to cry. I literally felt like I walked past my old ghost at that moment. There she was, dressed in her perfect outfit from the Banana Republic, looking gaunt and lost. She was sad and confused. She was a completely different person than I am today. It made me very uncomfortable to be there for a few minutes. I could feel all the tension I felt once before, as if I had left unfinished business there and it re-entered my body.

I went to lunch with my friend and was planning on going back in to visit a few more people. But as I sat in the parking lot, I really just wanted to leave. As the day went on I couldn't stop thinking about how I felt and what a strange, physical and emotional experience that was. But, I'm grateful it happened. It reminded me of how far I have come and how much I have grown. At one point I was in a place where I only had a tiny sliver of hope at best that things would get better. I couldn't fathom "take it day by day", so I chose to take it "hour by hour". I made a choice to love myself when I felt that no one else did and that is what carried me. That, and a yellow post-it that was on my bathroom mirror that read, "When you are down to nothing, God is up to something". I've said it before in previous posts, that I had to go through all the grief and turmoil to get to the much better and healthy place I am in. And for that, I say "thank you" to my old ghost.

Resolutions, Schmesolutions

Ah, January. The time of year where we all get out our pens and write down our resolutions yet again. They talk about it on the news, the gyms are packed, it's as if we all got two new double A batteries loaded into our brains and we're ready to tackle our list!

Wait a minute....what do you mean you're not organized, in shape, done reading all those books, remodeled your kitchen, gotten in touch with lost friends, found a new job, had quality time with your significant other and made scrapbooks of your kids by December???

Because thinking about resolutions or even writing them down on a crisp piece of paper just doesn't cut it, my friend! So, (cracking knuckles), keep reading to find out a better way.

First, acknowledge that conquering a goal is difficult, but not impossible. If it were easy, we would all be endlessly happy and rich to boot. So, don't beat yourself up for past resolutions or goals that you have failed at. We've all been there, even Tony Robbins, (I think. He's human, right?) so move on.

Second, make your list and leave lots of room in between goals. Think about what you want your new year to look like. Where do you want to be 12 months from now? Even if it's the scariest, hairiest goal ever, WRITE IT DOWN! The scarier, the better. Go back and with the space you left, write down the reasons you have not made these goals happen in the past. Then, write down why this goal is important to you. (For example: Resolution- start working out. Reasons I haven't done it- don't have time, too tired, it's boring. Reason it's important- lose weight, live longer, I love spandex.) Lastly in this space, write down HOW you will do it. Be specific! (I want to walk 2 miles in my neighborhood in the mornings twice a week for 2 weeks, then 3 times a week thereafter). Make sure this is attainable and realistic. We've all been taught to "reach for the starts", but sometimes, we gotta start with reaching for the doorknob. Make sure that your goals are measurable. Try to stay away from general statements like, "I want to lose weight". How much weight? And by when? Re-read your list and pick ONE goal at a time to tackle. If you see one where your intuition tells you "that's not going to happen" really think about it. Are you self-sabotaging yourself? Or, is this the one goal that you are ready to be proud of that you finally accomplished it?

Third, and this is where you may need to be a little organized, plan it out. Just writing down, "I will walk twice this week" isn't enough. Plan it in your week. If you have a day planner/organizer/tech gadget figure out when you will have time, and schedule it in. Put it somewhere where you will have to see it.

Everyone is different when it comes to attaining goals. For me, the more people I tell about a goal, the more I strive to attain it. Accountability is a great way to get things accomplished. Life is too short to sit around and just talk about what we want to do. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some goals to write down!!



Photo courtesy of flickr by brownhorse

Ignoring Red Flags

There is something to say about intuition. I think every human being has it, some are more in tune to it than others, but I truly believe that when encountering a bad situation or even a not-so-great person, our intuition tries to tell us. It's like our soul foreshadows the future and is bracing itself for the pain that will come. Intuition is a survival mechanism that we all have.

I have been in two different situations where I have flat out ignored the red flags. And they weren't just waving in front of me either. They were beating over the head shouting, "DANGER, DANGER, GET OUT NOW!" I think there was also a police man frantically trying to direct me into another direction as I drove past, battered and bruised from being hit with the red flags. Of course I am speaking metaphorically here, but the warning signs were so obvious. Literally I remember thinking, "This isn't good. What am I doing?" And I shushed that little voice as fast as I could. The first time after months of the voice speaking to me I finally listened and took action, but the second time it happened was when I really felt kind of stupid.

I always love to learn from the mistakes that I have made and Lord knows, I have made my fair share of them. I add it to the list of lessons, pat myself on the back, move on and tell myself I won't make that same mistake again. But the second time I was seeing these red flags wizz by, I ignored them. Denial is a powerful thing, isn't it? What I learned from that situation was this: The more vulnerable I was in a situation (for example, recently getting your heart broken, losing a job, etc) the more likely I was to ignore the warning signs. You would think it would be the opposite, that I would have been more guarded. But for me, it was like I couldn't stand the thought of being hurt again or being in another bad situation, so if I ignored it maybe it would all just go away. Right?

For the most part, we make decisions based on safety and fear. In some cases, people may may ignore their intuition because they think where they are is safe, where as it may be that they are just comfortable. In my case, I ignored my intuition because I was afraid of another failed relationship. At that particular point in my life I would rather have a bad relationship than no relationship. Come to think of it, I actually thought I was comfortable because I had become so accustomed to being in a codependant relationship, I didn't know what a functional, healthy one looked like.

Thankfully, it only took twice for me to really understand we are our own best friend. And if you do choose to ignore the red flags, look at it like this: Would you not tell your best friend something that you knew would obviously hurt them? I would venture to guess that you would tell them, so think of your intuition warning you is like your best friend whispering in your ear because they care about you.

STRESS

I was listening to a radio show this morning and the DJ's were discussing multitasking. They were talking about their jobs and parenting and how some people are constantly just going going going, always having several things they are doing or going to do at once, never slowing down. Various people were calling in telling their story of all the things they do, like one woman woke up at 4:30 am and instead of just enjoying a quiet morning to herself, she couldn't stand the thought of doing nothing so she went to the grocery store.

It got me thinking about people that can't slow down, perhaps because I struggle with this myself. I think the adrenaline that goes along with stress and too many commitments is like a drug. It becomes an addiction that you just can't stop. You feed on it, and when life slows down, there is a sense of urgency, a need to have more to do. I also think it's a matter of control. There are so many things we can't control in our lives, the more things we can control, the better we feel.

I have struggled for years with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It's a disorder that can cause any stressful situation, however minor, to turn into a full blown panic attack, or if you're lucky, just irrational thinking. The way I describe it is that I will have a stressful thought or worry, then 3 minutes later I am planning my own funeral in my head because I am sure that all of this is going to wind up in some disaster. Thankfully, now those thoughts are few and far between, and I have learned to slow down and try to get peace in my life, and in my mind. Some questions I ask myself when I start to get stressed are:

"What is the worst case scenario if I can't get this done?"
"Will someone be hurt if I can't get this done?"
"If I don't do this am I being lazy, or just nice to myself?"
"What do I need to do to make this easier on myself?"
"Is this really worth stressing over?"

Usually this helps and I can either better organize my thoughts and/or tasks and just slow down.