Ignoring Red Flags

There is something to say about intuition. I think every human being has it, some are more in tune to it than others, but I truly believe that when encountering a bad situation or even a not-so-great person, our intuition tries to tell us. It's like our soul foreshadows the future and is bracing itself for the pain that will come. Intuition is a survival mechanism that we all have.

I have been in two different situations where I have flat out ignored the red flags. And they weren't just waving in front of me either. They were beating over the head shouting, "DANGER, DANGER, GET OUT NOW!" I think there was also a police man frantically trying to direct me into another direction as I drove past, battered and bruised from being hit with the red flags. Of course I am speaking metaphorically here, but the warning signs were so obvious. Literally I remember thinking, "This isn't good. What am I doing?" And I shushed that little voice as fast as I could. The first time after months of the voice speaking to me I finally listened and took action, but the second time it happened was when I really felt kind of stupid.

I always love to learn from the mistakes that I have made and Lord knows, I have made my fair share of them. I add it to the list of lessons, pat myself on the back, move on and tell myself I won't make that same mistake again. But the second time I was seeing these red flags wizz by, I ignored them. Denial is a powerful thing, isn't it? What I learned from that situation was this: The more vulnerable I was in a situation (for example, recently getting your heart broken, losing a job, etc) the more likely I was to ignore the warning signs. You would think it would be the opposite, that I would have been more guarded. But for me, it was like I couldn't stand the thought of being hurt again or being in another bad situation, so if I ignored it maybe it would all just go away. Right?

For the most part, we make decisions based on safety and fear. In some cases, people may may ignore their intuition because they think where they are is safe, where as it may be that they are just comfortable. In my case, I ignored my intuition because I was afraid of another failed relationship. At that particular point in my life I would rather have a bad relationship than no relationship. Come to think of it, I actually thought I was comfortable because I had become so accustomed to being in a codependant relationship, I didn't know what a functional, healthy one looked like.

Thankfully, it only took twice for me to really understand we are our own best friend. And if you do choose to ignore the red flags, look at it like this: Would you not tell your best friend something that you knew would obviously hurt them? I would venture to guess that you would tell them, so think of your intuition warning you is like your best friend whispering in your ear because they care about you.

STRESS

I was listening to a radio show this morning and the DJ's were discussing multitasking. They were talking about their jobs and parenting and how some people are constantly just going going going, always having several things they are doing or going to do at once, never slowing down. Various people were calling in telling their story of all the things they do, like one woman woke up at 4:30 am and instead of just enjoying a quiet morning to herself, she couldn't stand the thought of doing nothing so she went to the grocery store.

It got me thinking about people that can't slow down, perhaps because I struggle with this myself. I think the adrenaline that goes along with stress and too many commitments is like a drug. It becomes an addiction that you just can't stop. You feed on it, and when life slows down, there is a sense of urgency, a need to have more to do. I also think it's a matter of control. There are so many things we can't control in our lives, the more things we can control, the better we feel.

I have struggled for years with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It's a disorder that can cause any stressful situation, however minor, to turn into a full blown panic attack, or if you're lucky, just irrational thinking. The way I describe it is that I will have a stressful thought or worry, then 3 minutes later I am planning my own funeral in my head because I am sure that all of this is going to wind up in some disaster. Thankfully, now those thoughts are few and far between, and I have learned to slow down and try to get peace in my life, and in my mind. Some questions I ask myself when I start to get stressed are:

"What is the worst case scenario if I can't get this done?"
"Will someone be hurt if I can't get this done?"
"If I don't do this am I being lazy, or just nice to myself?"
"What do I need to do to make this easier on myself?"
"Is this really worth stressing over?"

Usually this helps and I can either better organize my thoughts and/or tasks and just slow down.

The Republicrat

I have been debating whether or not to post this for months now, and now that the election is over, I am going to brave it. It has nothing to do with coaching or making your life better. Perhaps it's my own selfishness of just wanting to get it off my chest.

Since I was 18 years old I have been a registered Republican. I don't remember my own parents being politically charged in any way as I was growing up, but growing up in the 80's, I was a product of the Reagan years. When I met my first husband, his family was very conservative which encouraged my values and beliefs. When I went started classes at Cal State San Marcos I proudly became a member of the CSUSM College Republicans. But as the years passed I started to realize that not all of my beliefs were congruent with the GOP. But then again, a lot of them did. I felt like I was in a tug-o-war and I wanted no part of it. As if I had identified myself wholeheartedly with a group, and then got lost. Then 9/11 happened and I wore the nametag "Republican" proudly once again. Two years later when we went to war, I started to see which side of the fence my friends stood on, and a lot of them weren't on my side. I didn't back down from my beliefs. I can honestly say that at that time I was not influenced by anyone else than myself. However after getting into two different arguments with two different friends about politics, I decided I couldn't have the conversation anymore. It's not worth damaging a friendship over.

But election time came up and to be honest, I was happy to see it happen because let's face it; I don't think GWB is getting any awards for being America's greatest president. But for the first time in my adult life I was actually quiet about my beliefs and who I was voting for. Why? Did the tug-o-war finally get to me? Was I begrudgingly trading in my College Republican t-shirt for an Obama hat?

In a metaphorical sense, I feel like a little girl, standing in between her fighting, divorced parents that despise each other. I love both, and I believe in both, but I don't like some of the things both are doing. But I am forced to choose. And either way, I lose.

I love my country. I am grateful that I was born here and I have more opportunities than most of the world can even dream of. I love that my children have those same things. I am happy to see we have an African-American president, it will show my children tolerance and that anything is possible and that we are one step closer to seeing a woman as president. But I am still lost in this Democrat/Republican battle and quite honestly, I don't quite understand why some people will not even listen to other people's beliefs. I think as long as we have 2 parties, we will be a nation divided.

Crisis = Rebirth

Recently I have been reading the book, "Welcome to Your Crisis". I bought it when I went through my divorce, but actually just started reading it about a year ago (I know, it's been a long process getting through it), but only halfway through it, I have learned so much about how important crisis are to us and shaping who we are.

A few hours before I found out that my marriage was truly over, I went for a run in Carlsbad. There are some cliffs that have a breathtaking view of the beach and the ocean and I had ran by that spot many times. Something made me stop and stand to look out over the cliffs. It was February and it was unusually warm. There was a song that was hugely popular at that time called "Unwritten" by Natasha Bettingfield. It happened to be playing on my ipod at that moment. As I listened to the lyrics and looked out at the vast Pacific ocean in front of me, taking in the breeze and the warm sun on my face I couldn't help but think these words were meant for me:

"I am unwritten
Can't read my mind, I'm undefined

I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand, ending unplanned"

There was so much uncertainty for me at that time, for the first time in 13 years I was really uncertain as to which direction I was going to go in. For months I had been struggling whether or not to stay in my marriage. But for some reason, I knew that no matter what, no matter how long the journey ahead of me was going to be, no matter how much of an uphill battle it was, I was going to be okay. Standing there looking out ahead of me, knowing that I had so much more to look forward to in my life. I was lucky enough to be re-born. I outgrew my old life, it was time for me to move on to something better. The moment didn't last long.

A few hours later my whole life changed. A single phone call made the decision that for months I had been struggling to make. Now, I won't sit here and tell you that I just skipped off smiling to the tune of my favorite song and all was well. No, far be it from that. My whole comfortable world was not just turned upside down, it was taken away. Within minutes I was a different person not only to myself, but to others as well.

It's only been 2 years since this event. Sometimes I feel like it's been much longer, I've come so far and that time seems like a distant memory. Then other times I feel like it's still fresh. For a while I tried to pretend that that painful part of my life was all over, and it had no effect on me whatsoever. It was the past, period. But, truthfully, I can't deny that it shaped who I am today, typing these words. There is no question that I have become a better person because of this. I have learned so much and for me, it just happened to be a very dramatic way to figure all these things out. Apparently, a dramatic end was what it took for me to move on. Sometimes I wish that it didn't have to be so painful, but in reality, I'm glad it happened to me. 2 years ago I would have never said that, I literally thought I could die from the pain I was in. But that crisis allowed me to start over, to be reborn as whatever I wanted to be. I had complete control of the new person I was about to become. After a few months of shock, grieving, confusion and resistance to change, I finally realized that I couldn't move on unless I really looked at this experience as a blessing. I was given a gift. Sure, it wasn't wrapped up with a pretty bow, but it was a gift nonetheless. One of significant value for my future self. Yes, I was terrified having to start all over at 30 years old, but lucky for me, I was only 30 years old!

On a side note: It's funny....when I first decided to be a life coach in 2003 I remember thinking, "Gosh, I don't know if I would be able to relate to some people that are going through rough times in their life. I don't have that kind of life experience" Be careful what you wish for! Perhaps that was a self-fulfilling prophesy of sorts.

Laura Day, author of the book, talks about crisis leading to rebirth and compares it to a baby growing in a womb. The baby grows and grows in it's comfortable environment, then there comes a time when the baby has outgrown it's home, needs to be born for it's own survival into a new environment. I look at my experience as such. I grew as a person and needed to move on to be who I was meant to be. Maybe that's why babies cry when they're born, because they are upset about leaving their comfortable place they have grown to love and maybe it hurts a little to be born. They eventually get used to their new place and really don't even remember that old place anymore. Crisis is the same way. So the next time you are facing a crisis right in the eyes, maybe even for a moment look at it like a blank page in front of you, and you have the pen in your hand. Start writing!

Big plans for 2009!

As I have mentioned in a couple of my previous posts, my good friend Jenny Ferry has asked yours truly to be a speaker at a series of workshops in 2009. There are several portions, including finance, career, relationships, nutrition and exercise and my portion; style/self-concept. As many of you know I left the fashion industry about 5 years ago to go back to school to get my B.S. in Kinesiology. What some people don't know is why I left the fashion industry in the first place...

Immediately after I graduated from Fashion Careers of California College, I beat out 4 other interns from my school to land a job as an assistant buyer at a chain of surf shops. I thought it was my dream job! Soon after I got the job I realized why that position had been a revolving door for so long. I worked long hours, wasn't paid enough, didn't have enough training, was over-worked and the upper management was, well, awful to say the least. I kept thinking a had to stick it out, I wasn't a quitter and so many girls would kill for that job! After a few months just about every person who had a position higher than myself had made me cry and I chalked it up to needing thicker skin and I was just learning the ropes. I assumed the vice president of the company hated me (which was the most intimidating woman I had ever met), but one day her admin assistant told me she overheard her telling the president of the company that I was the "it" girl at the company. I kept telling myself this was my stepping stone to bigger things and I needed to just stick it out for a few years.

Then things just got worse. When my boss knew I was at my limit she would tell me over and over again how wonderful I was and what would she ever do without me. As I sat there at 9 pm on a Friday night, knowing I would be there in the morning on Saturday too, I really started to think about my future. Did I want to do this forever? Was it my ambition to work in fashion and dedicate my career to it? No, and believe me when I say I mean nothing against anyone that does, it just wasn't what I felt that I was supposed to do. I was sticking it out and trying to get ahead for the wrong reasons. And thank God I realized it when I was only 25.

I know I was put here to be a leader, make a change and better myself and others. That's why I am so excited to be a part of these workshops! I'm not going to simply tell these girls how to dress, they can get a $12 subscription to a fashion magazine to do that. This is much, MUCH bigger. I am passionate that your self worth, self esteem and self-confidence are the guiding lights to build a better you! Our image and how we portray it sends a message to others of how we see ourselves and how we want others to see us. And many of us are confused about what our style really is and if it's really "us", or how society is dressing us. It's all intertwined and I can't wait to share what I have learned with others.

So, check it out if you haven't already, the Crest of Your Life Workshops, here

Who's the judge?

In my life and especially in the somewhat recent past, I have been judged. And I'm not talking the "Oh, how great for Andrea that she is doing so well" I mean the downright dirty, "She is a blah, blah, blah (insert your imagination here)" Granted, the people that said these terrible things were not people that I associate with, nor do they know me at all. And I know that those things are not true. However, when it happened and my core character was slammed, I was so angry...no angry doesn't describe it, I was so infuriated that someone that does not know me could actually form the words out loud to say such hideous and ugly things about me AND that it was below me to defend myself to these people well, you get the picture. I was pretty mad. And the worst part was that I have done it too, to others.

Gross.

So, when it happened to me, boy was that a pivotal moment in my life. Who was I to judge someone else? I don't know their thoughts, their emotions, their struggles. I have not walked a single step in their shoes, nor will I ever, so how on earth can I say what is right or wrong for them?

During one of my weekends at the Coaches Training Institute I had a coaching session where I had to "sit" with these feelings. My homework was to judge others (silently). When I was given this homework assignment I was literally sick to my stomach. My hands started sweating and I told my coach this. He said, "Good. Then obviously you need to do this" That day I had to look at my friends, one by one, people that I had grown so close to and in my mind, judge them. It was awful. However, it was a great exercise because it solidified my core value of not judging others.

We're all human beings doing the best we can in this world. And we all want the same things: To love and to be loved. I would hope we all strive to be good people and to be happy. So when it's all said and done, let's try not to judge others too harshly.

What my 20’s meant to me: Friendships

This weekend I was having a conversation with one of my best friends, Annamaria Loven. We were discussing friendships and how sometimes it's necessary to "break-up" with a friend. The dynamics of this are interesting because in many ways it's the same as breaking up with a boyfriend. In my 20's I had a friend that I worked with. She was fun to hang out with, but after a few months the friendship got a little strange, I didn't trust her and just plain wanted out of the friendship. I was too chicken to tell her so, in fear of hurting her feelings (I mean what do you say, "This just isn't working out, I think we should see other friends. Let's still be...oh, wait a minute, no I don't want to be friends, so just go away, please.") so I just ignored her calls and made excuses not to see her. I know, not the most mature way to handle it, but that's what I did. Years later I ran into her and I thought maybe she changed, that things could be different between us and I gave her my number. She never called. I guess I had it coming.

But with that situation I came to realize that some friendships in our life are just not worth having. Why do we keep them around? Because we think it will get better? Because we don't want to hurt our friends feelings? Who knows, but truth be told, if it's toxic, it's toxic and you may as well throw it out. I don't have the answer on how to end toxic friendships, but if the friendship isn't supportive and empowering to you, then walk away. And the great thing about friendships is that you can reengage them later if it's right. I have had 2 really good friends where this has happened. At one point one of my friends let me go because I had so much drama in my life and she had her own personal challenges as well. She could not for her own sanity be supportive of me so she took a break from me for a few months. Yes, I was hurt, but I respected her for it and in retrospect, she couldn't be the kind of friend that I needed at that time, so why should she have to fake it? It's not like she was my only friend to lean on. Which brings me to...

I believe in your 20's is when you begin to discover which kind of friends you have and for what reasons. Any time you go through a major life change (marriage, divorce, death of a loved one, major career change, etc) you really do find out not only who your good friends are, but what role they play in your life. For instance, one of my friends will tell it like it is, no matter what. She is direct and honest. Sometimes, if I'm not ready to hear that kind of support, I don't call her. And that's okay. Another friend I have will never give advice, just listen and tell me she loves me and supports me even if I did something crazy. This is also the friend I could call from prison to come bail me out in the middle of the night and I wouldn't even need to tell her what I did. I have a friend that I couldn't call to pick me up because sometimes she's a flake, (I love her anyway), but she knows it and I love her because I can tell her anything and she would never judge me.

So, I guess the most important lesson is if you have a friendship that isn't serving you, it's time to get rid if it. It's like that rule of an item of clothing: If you haven't worn it in a year, get rid of it.